After my last post, a reader submitted a comment that didn’t ask about suicide, or suicidal thoughts, or anything else related to ending one’s life.
His words touched me. For one thing, this is a reader who’s submitted comments to this website for years about his strong desires to kill himself. I’m grateful to see he’s still here.
For another thing, his email signified a connection. Even though roughly 20,000 people a month visit Speaking of Suicide nowadays and I get a ton of email, it’s rare that a reader writes to me about anything other than suicide. Which makes sense, considering the site is dedicated specifically to speaking of suicide.
But this reader was wondering if I’ve been OK, and I understand why. I went almost nine months from one post to my most recent post. That’s a long time, especially in Googlelandia.
In the first five years that I started this site, I published 70 posts, plus several essays about my work raising awareness about suicide and helping the suicidal person. In the last five years, I’ve added only 9 posts, and two of those were articles I’d already published elsewhere. That’s a drop of 90%.
In Case You’re Wondering, Too…
I know that when one person asks a question, many others silently wonder the same thing. So, in case you’ve wondered too where the heck I’ve been lately, I’m sharing parts of the conversation (with the reader’s permission).
I sent him an email:
I’m replying to the message you left on my site, asking if I’m OK. It’s very nice of you to ask. I’ve been OK — well, as OK as we can be in a world that’s very much not OK. Just busy and distracted and overwhelmed with all sorts of work and obligations…
One thing that kept me away was writing my new book, which will come out in January: Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say and Do.
I do hope to post at least a little more often. Thanks for checking in.
He emailed me almost immediately, and his words touched me again:
I’m glad to see that you’ve been pulled away from the blog for positive reasons – that is, completing your book, and not negative reasons such as illness or burnout… I and I think everyone else would understand that you have important work to do away from the blog, and that we’re lucky you have invested as much time as you have on it.
Staying Busy Speaking of Suicide
Behind the scenes I’ve been moderating comments, replying privately when necessary, replying publicly when possible, and in general providing what I hope is a safe place for discussions.
There also are a zillion other tasks required to keep a website running. A dear friend has been donating website support services that go beyond my amateur knowledge, and I tend to the day-to-day tasks like fixing broken links and correcting outdated information and reviewing (the best I can) hundreds of spam comments to look for legit comments that got ensnared by the spam filter and managing the many emails that I receive each day about the site and attending to social media like Facebook and Twitter — and more things that arise unpredictably.
I’m not complaining. Rather, I’m explaining: I’m still here, and I care very much about you, and I remain committed to Speaking of Suicide.
Personally Not Speaking of Suicide
My life isn’t all suicide, all the time — thankfully. I love cats and the Rocky Mountains, family and friends, chocolate and sushi, Netflix and books.
So, sometimes I’m not tending to the website because I’m having fun or relaxing or, I don’t know, sleeping. I assume you already know all that, but I want you to know I’m not totally a geek. Just mostly.
As one example of my life outside of suicidology, this summer I spent 10 days traveling in Copenhagen with my husband Pete. And this past weekend, in Frisco, Colorado with a friend, I took this video of a fox, which I now find myself re-watching almost as much as cat videos.
My Plans for “Speaking of Suicide”
I’m also accepting guest posts, in case you’d like to publish something of your own on Speaking of Suicide. Interested? Here’s more information. And here are links to the two guest posts published thus far: Learning to Hope After 30 Years of Depression and a Suicide Attempt, by Shannon Parkin, and “If You Take Meds for Mental Illness, Do Not Feel Ashamed or Weak” by MaryElizabeth.
Thank You, Readers, and Stay Tuned
Ten years ago, when I first started Speaking of Suicide, I never imagined it would get millions of visitors and help people around the world, many of whom have reached out to me about their experiences with suicidality, survival, and suicide loss.
In comments, in emails, and in other conversations, people have let me know the site has helped them. The feedback helps sustain my work here when pressures from other obligations bear down on me.
I appreciate your engagement, whether it’s coming here from time to time to read an article, regularly contributing to the comments, giving me feedback, sharing links on social media, or participating in some other way.
Together, we are speaking of what, to many people, remains unspeakable.
Together, we are helping each other (and others) to feel less alone and sometimes, even, to feel a little better.
© 2022 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide.
Dear Stacey, I have lurked on your site for many years, receiving amazing comfort in the bleakest times. It occurred to me that I am so grateful to you, for allowing suicide to be freely discussed. Thank you! I am not generally visiting your site when I am well, and I actually had a whole year of feeling pretty good with my life, before this last depression rolled in. Being back in the darkness makes me question: Did I actually get better? My main help in the past came from a counselor, who I always remember saying “What you shine the light on will grow.” I came a long way with her, questioning the accuracy of my distorted thinking. I had convinced myself that I was destined to take my life, following in the footsteps of my best friend. Little things kept me anchored here, even when the pain of disconnection felt too heavy to bear. Walking myself back off the bridge one day, thinking: Maybe I’ll give my old dog one more walk. Or, when my son was far from home on an exchange: it would really suck for him to learn that I took my life when he’s so far away. Or: I will just stay alive till I finish this bottle of supplements. Most recently, I have a co-worker who knows I’m down, and allows me to sit by her desk when I don’t feel good alone. It’s a comfort. I guess I still have a long way to go in my healing since I can be plunged back under like this. It’s been a rough go, again. Just had a week vacation, and spent the majority of my time reading your site. Thanks for being here. I appreciate this thorough, thoughtful, and compassionate place for discussion.
Wow, Loupshen, your comment means a LOT to me. I love knowing that my work here has helped you in some way.
When I was very suicidal in my 20s, my therapist pointed out the ways my mind “tricked” me into staying alive. The mind is very creative! I would think things like, “Not now, I’m visiting my grandmother in two weeks and she’ll be devastated if I don’t come because I killed myself.” Once I had strong urges to kill myself and didn’t because I had a date in a few hours, and I worried how it would affect the guy to have someone die by suicide right before she was supposed to go out with him.
Which is all to say that our minds can be our biggest enemies AND our best allies, depending on which part we listen to. I’m grateful your thoughts are working to protect you. ❤️
Thank you for sharing here!
Thank you! Maybe that’s one reason I’m still here: to learn to harness the creative power of my mind.
Canada is finding it more and more acceptable to give peace to the indigent, hopeless, depressed, homeless and those who otherwise just don’t wanna play the game anymore.
We need a book about quitting with dignity and how to navigate the space of wanting to die with a plan simply because we can. The depths of despair often sound a lot like…I love you but I’m tired and I don’t want to trudge on anymore in a world that’s not okay and the quality/meaning has reminisced.
I have to say that I love reading through the conversations on here when I pass by. I periodically do and this is my most recommended site. I often come by to find the link for the article I wanted to share – that I always lose the link of. And yes Stacey, you’ve replied to me before, and given permission to share your content. Your posts and content has really impacted me.
I’m so happy you wrote another book! I just read your book helping the suicidal person. I could pinpoint where everyone I’d spoken to went wrong :). And I found some really helpful tips for myself there.
I love reading the comments because as a general people here are so supportive and respectful of each other. All the background you do is more than a full time job.
Love and sparkles ♡.
E,
I truly appreciate your sharing that this site and my book Helping the Suicidal Person have helped you. And I felt “seen” when you said the background I do is more than a full time job. 🙂 A lot goes on behind the scenes to keep this site running, and hearing from people like you helps me know it’s time well spent. So, thank you!
My name is Nick Velazquez, and in 2015 (14 or 15 years old at the time) I was serious about killing myself. One night I did a google search, something along the lines of “how to not want to die.” I found an article titled 3 day rule, and it said bluntly what you speak of (although I’m not sure who wrote the article.) It stated quite bluntly “set a timer for 72 hours. If you do not feel an ounce, a single smidge of happiness, kill yourself.” This rule kept me alive. I’m crafting a speech about the three day rule in order to help teens overcome suicide. Are there any clinical trials to speak to the efficacy of this rule? Is there any science backing this rule up at all? Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Nickolas,
Thanks for sharing your story. I wrote about the 3-day rule, too; I was inspired by the same article as you and quote the same line. It’s wonderful to hear that the original article that inspired us both, which I can no longer locate online, kept you alive.
Unfortunately, I don’t know of any research into the 3-day rule. Generally speaking, clinical trials would be impossible to complete, because they would require having a control group of people who aren’t encouraged to wait three days and who aren’t protected from ending their life. However, I have had heard anecdotally from many people that waiting — whether for hours or days or more — helped them to recognize the vicissitudes of suicidal thoughts, and in particular not to believe everything they think.
It’s wonderful it helped you, too. The idea of waiting seems so simple, but it’s been revolutionary for many people. Suicidal thoughts can create such acute tunnel vision that people lose sight of reasons to live. It’s as if they’re in a dark closet full of tools and toys that make life livable. In the darkness, they can’t see everything around them, and sometimes, simple concepts like the 3-day rule can turn on the light.
Thanks for spreading the word to others.
My own experience, although decades prior, was similar to that of Nickolas. The method which ultimately helped me was “5 more minutes”, as opposed to 3 days. Reducing the increment of time made the whole process more manageable for all parties concerned.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
As I continue to pro-actively advocate for crisis intervention and suicide prevention (the ultimate “harm reduction”) at the grassroots level, learning about any and all best practices are greatly appreciated.
#OnlyKindnessMatters
Happy New Year everyone.
Several years ago I was in a six week inpatient residential program. One of the ground rules was that if you were having suicidal thoughts you had to tell one of the counsellors who would decide if you could keep attending or if more intensive care was required.
I wanted to stay in the program so each day I told myself “not today, tomorrow maybe, but not today”. Obviously it worked and I’ll occasionally use it again when the need arises.
It’s probably nothing,
I love the affirmation “Not today.” In the comments section for this post, some people listed it as their go-to coping statement.
Thanks for sharing!
Hi Stacey,
Thanks so much for starting and especially for maintaining this site.
I wish you well in your teaching work too, and many happy times with your family.
P