In a week when two celebrities, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, died by suicide within days of each other, so did hundreds of other people in the U.S. One of them was named Flinn, a classmate of mine in high school.
On Flinn’s public Facebook page, an outpouring of sympathetic posts, one after the other, creates a trail of digital tears. In a long stream of posts expressing their heartbreak, people lament the pain and suffering that Flinn endured.
Nobody uses the word “suicide” or “killed himself.” Nobody says he intentionally ended his life. But he did die by suicide.
Stigma and Suicide
It’s heartbreaking – not only Flinn’s death, but also the conversation around it. There is so much stigma, fear, and pain attached to suicide that many people don’t even say the word.
I understand that families have their reasons for not disclosing when a loved one dies by suicide, and I would never pressure someone to do so. And I don’t fault others who avoid naming suicide. Instead I fault society and social conditioning for teaching us to treat suicide as unspeakable.
If we can’t acknowledge suicide when a person has died, then how can the living expect to talk openly with friends and family about their urges to end their life? It’s awfully hard to help suicidal people – and for them to ask for help – if we treat suicide as if it is a dirty word.
Avoiding Asking about Suicide
Many people are too scared to talk directly about suicide – even some therapists. I teach a class on suicide risk assessment and intervention to aspiring social workers at the University of Denver. On the first day of class, I ask them to write down one or two questions they would ask someone to determine if the person is thinking of suicide.
Some come right out with it and ask: “Are you thinking of suicide?” “Do you think of killing yourself?”
Others ask, “How has your sleep been lately?” “Are you depressed?” “What hopes do you have for the future?” Those questions will help you learn if someone’s sleeping poorly, depressed, or hopeless – not if someone’s thinking of suicide. Perhaps the conversation will lead there. Perhaps not.
Some people ask “Do you think of hurting yourself?” when they really mean, “Do you think of suicide?” “Hurt yourself” is a euphemism that some people use to avoid naming suicide. Yet there are people who intentionally hurt themselves without wanting to die. There are also people who desperately want to die and view suicide not as a means to hurt oneself, but to stop hurting. So the person’s answer to “Do you want to hurt yourself?” might not mean what you think it does. Using euphemisms for suicide also reinforces the message that suicide is unspeakable.
Fears of Asking about Suicidal Thoughts
Why don’t people ask directly about suicide? They may fear that talking directly about suicide gives others the idea (it doesn’t). Or they might consider it impolitic to name suicide, because of the stigma attached to it. Or they might be afraid of saying the wrong thing, or of angering the person, or of being unable to help, or of feeling overwhelmed by their own painful emotions.
These are all legitimate concerns. It’s scary to ask someone about suicidal thoughts. But avoiding the topic does not make the problem go away. It drives it underground, where a suicidal person may feel even more alone in the darkness.
Ways to Help Suicidal People
To truly foster open, constructive conversations about suicide — to create an environment where people can ask for help from loved ones and professionals — more people should try to name it. Only then can more suicidal people feel welcome to reveal their thoughts.
Only if we name suicide can we reach out to those we worry about and ask, “Are you thinking of suicide?” And then we can truly listen and join with the suicidal person.
There are specific techniques for asking a person about suicidal thoughts that can lessen the potential for stigma, shame, and discomfort. One way is to convey that the person is not weird or wrong to have suicidal thoughts: “Sometimes people who feel as crappy as you do have thoughts of suicide. Do you?”
Talking about Suicide
Once potential helpers can talk openly about suicide, it opens the door to potentially life-saving conversations. If you’re wondering how to respond to a suicidal person, check out my post “10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person.” I also have a post, “10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person.” Those are my own ideas, and if you have time to read the comments, you’ll see many other ideas, too.
I don’t know if these conversations occurred with my old classmate Flinn, or if they would have helped him. I remember him as someone who loved to surf in the feeble waves of Galveston and play hacky sack in between classes, but it’s been 30 years since I last saw him.
What I do know is that Flinn died in a way that many people actively avoid naming. This silence about suicide can be deafening, making it exquisitely hard to hear people who desperately need to be heard.
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Copyright 2018 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved. Except where noted, photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
REVISED: October 5, 2024
It is indeed very upsetting to talk about, think about and to even dream of it but some people do think of committing suicide but we have to be there for everyone. some people may not have anyone to talk to.
I lost a friend to suicide because her and I had a massive argument about a boy (i know it happens) but I didn’t know that her parents were getting a divorce (because of the argument), but when I found out I was too late she had already done it and unfortunately I was the one to find her. I rushed to get to her and apologizes and give her big hug, and just to tell that it was all going to okay.
But from that day I have always written, talked and dreamed about what life would be like with her and all the arguments we would have about her wedding dress. But unfortunately I will never get that chance. So yeah I forgive her and I hope she can forgive me.
This is yet another void I’ll yell into.
I really wish that a peaceful, celebrated death was an alternative to getting whittled away, reverse mortgaged, managed cared for, zoomed last moments. The new tech suggests we can perhaps transcend consciousness by uploading our avatars into the cloud.
Well what if my biological reality is throttled by my provider? What about errors? What if my memory is only worth 64mb of digitized suffering?
This is the new paranoia. And I’m stuck on earth with it until I die. I don’t really wanna see the end of this anymore. I’m 44 and a vet who worked to secure and protect the technological dystopia we all live in.
It’s giving birth to a technical monster and while it’s not entirely evil, it is mostly evil. And I don’t want anything to do with it anymore. Nothing.
When will mental health recognize that the tide has turned and we are all simply mental now. “Health” is a moving evolutionary target.
Not just emotions, but facts about why I just want to check out. I won’t get whittled away and I can end my suffering.
Maybe someday. 3 years of yelling into voids.
DBT is a valiant thing I’m studying on my own. Haven’t made any friends that I can talk to about it. Therapy was an expensive waste of money with providers who couldn’t meet me during times I was available. Many others are not taking any new patients.
The suicide hotline is a joke (especially the Veterans line). I had one of them tell me that I’ll end up in a mental institution if I call and express my feelings.
So, all around…fear, ineffectiveness, quarantine, fear, fires. I’m always one thought away from packing it all up and saying goodbye to this world…but I’m still here.
And this might as well be therapeutic to say. I’m still here. Still very sad. Wish I was never born. I don’t know how to create a “life worth living” as the hierarchy of goals of DBT so proudly state.
I’m fed up. I’m just consuming and adding waste like a cancer to the planet. I derive no joy from life and I’m lonely as I’ve ever been. It doesn’t get any easier to make friends when you are older, but I try.
I wish I could take Nembutal and go to sleep.
I’ll post here until I die naturally if I have to. But I hate life.
Just Sad, I feel your suffering and honor your right to choose your future. Just as those suffering from medically-sanctioned terminal illness now have the legal right to die with dignity (and assistance to do so in some humane states), so to should those of us with intractable, not easily quantified emotional distress. This 66-year-old documented brain injured with creeping dementia oughta have legal protection and medical support to ease their transition out of this life.
Yes, you should.
For me, I know that what stops me from living a meaningful life is systemic. And that makes me angry, because even though I too have been ready to leave this world for a very long time, I could find the value in living if the system would stop saying they are helping when they are the main obstacle.
I wish you peace.
Well, I will tell that your comment was not wasted on me. I appreciated hearing someone say EXACTLY how I feel too. And we both know that doesnt solve our problems, but the fact is that we are both still here. So, hopefully it won’t always be like this for us. Until then, thank you for reminding me how many of us are out in this world. It does help when nothing else does.
awesome.
I cant stress enough how important it is to get help if you are feeling suicidal. the truth is that these feelings can pass and you can be a right as rain. But you need to seek help and find ways to get out of the mindset. I know that depression needs to be fed and we often give into it and dwell on the misery we feel by feeding it with thoughts, depressing music, laying around and living in it as if that’s all we are. You need to force yourself to get out and change your surroundings, talk to someone that can help you and not feed this depression, take on a task or project that will refocus you but you must try to get help if this becomes a pattern. Depression happens, just as a good mood does, its ok to get depressed once in a while because we all do but you need to keep it in check and find mechanisms to deal with it and have some support. I find that working on several projects keeps me. Talk to others and don’t be shy about it, force yourself to get help and for others dealing with people that seem to be showing signs of severe depression, talking about suicide or they give you the feeling they are looking for help, be there for them and start talking about it. Find them help and listen to them. You may actually save a life. This is a great article and I agree, get people talking so that the weight of suicidal thought are shared by many and not just the one. Talking may just be what someone needs so be there for anyone who needs it. if you don’t know what to do, stay engaged but find help for them immediately, call suicide prevention, call friends and family, make an effort and you will never regret it.
Gee, I never thought about any of these things, I just sit around and create my own misery. NOT!
Sorry to sound sarcastic, but these forums here are filled with people who are way beyond all that. We’ve done and continue to do what we can without relief.
A lot of what you suggest depends on an effective mental health system, which we dont have. Many of us have been extremely damaged by those we’ve sought help from, and I personally cant risk any more harm, so I hang on each day, hoping I can figure out an actual solution to get all the things you mention that I dont have: someone I can trust to talk to who actually cares. In the meantime, i do all those other things you mentioned just to distract myself from the reality of my own life, and the hopelessness, until I finally expire.
Pattie, thank you for your reply. I get notifications from this forum and was sickened reading the comment you’re replying to. It’s as if it’s useless trying to talk about the experiences many of us have with “the system.” We get the same insulting responses. I’ve stopped having these discussions with most others because it’s an exercise in frustration. But it’s validating knowing there are others out here, like you, who really understand.
Here’s hoping for the best for you.
Yup thank you too.
You have obviously never been suicidal. Or majorly depressed.
Your comment is nothing but pain to a suicidal person.
”Depression happens.” Is that the next title to your screenplay? These are real people with real problems. Don’t happy meme your way out of this.
Next time you go to comment to suicidal people, don’t.
Totally agree!
I had similar problem in my college days when I found that I found the secret to destroy the world but I have to retain it and not disclose; I pulled up myself , concentrated thinking nothing is impossible, and cleared all my educational goals and even got married and have a wonder boy who is an engineer . I also found new talents of singing and am pursuing it ; Please do not give up life- living is important if not for yourself; Go out in the open – think about those whom you can help and the happiness you derive , There are so many ways to lead life and be busy – do some crowdfunding or ngo for poor people . Save them as you are not meant to die or give up ; Gandhiji said only GOD HAS RIGHT TO GIVE AND TAKE LIFE; MAN DOES NOT.
Reaching out at all has only brought judgment, long-term. Initially there is empathy and a little help, then just increased scrutiny and anger that I’m not better. Since I’m a mom, it’s magnified. How dare I finally lose this fight… after 40+ years and 5 years of stress, disappointment and lack of understanding / support.
I now see all suggestions/offers of help as lies and traps.
I got 4 emails today from the various discussions I follow here. Each of them spoke of the same disgust I feel about a useless system that pretends to care, when in truth they just set you up for more pain. Thank you to each of you for speaking the truth. I refuse to pretend there is help abailable.
@Pattie H
You’re very brave to say what our culture refuses to allow people to say. Or to label people “crazy” merely for acknowledging. After 35 years in the mental health system at some of the best universities and health centers in the world, I agree with you. Like many other things (diet…), therapy can work for some but is no guarantee of relief for all of us. Thanks for your bravery.
@TrashHeap
I recently celebrated my 50th birthday. All my family is long dead. I’ve been in and out of the mental health system (US) since I was a late teen. I did what they told me. I took the drugs. I did the CBT & DBT therapies. I attended group meetings. I faithfully followed their instructions. And while I think some people in the industry want to help, I just don’t believe many of them can do what they seem to think they can. If life is painful enough for long enough, there just may not be anything here to anchor someone to life. Worse, as you get older, no one–absolutely NO ONE–cares anymore. You become invisible. And as your body breaks down, you might just ask, “Why bother?”
Thanks for being honest about your experience. I wholly relate.
You’re right.