Many people desperately want to know what to say – and what not to say – to someone who is thinking of suicide. The article 10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person is one of Speaking of Suicide’s most popular post. Almost a half-million people have viewed it in the last 2½ years. Several hundred have left comments.
Sometimes people complain to me that the post describes what not to say, but it doesn’t say enough about what to say. They’re right. So in this post, I provide 10 things to say to a suicidal person.
First, Some Caveats about What to Say to a Suicidal Person
Before starting, I want to make some things clear: I came up with this list based on my conversations with suicidal individuals in my work as a clinical social worker, my readings of both clinical literature and accounts by individuals who experienced suicidal crises, and my own past experiences with suicidal thoughts. Nobody has actually researched systematically the most effective things for friends or family to say to a suicidal person, so opinion and experience are the best we’ve got for now. Results will vary according to different people’s needs and personalities.
I also want to make clear that this list of things to say is not intended to be a script. Instead, I illustrate ways that you can help a suicidal person continue to open up, rather than shutting the person down with a comment that minimizes, invalidates, or even denigrates the person’s experience.
And I want to add that what to say often isn’t nearly as important as how to listen. As I explain in my post “How Would You Listen to a Person on the Roof?”, someone who is thinking of suicide needs to feel understood. Let the person tell their story. Refrain from immediately trying to fix the situation or make the person feel better. These immediate efforts to get the person to stop thinking of suicide, however well intended, can halt the conversation.
So, with all that said, here are 10 things you can say to someone who tells you that they are considering suicide.
1. “I’m so glad you told me that you’re thinking of suicide.”
When someone discloses suicidal thoughts, some parents, partners, friends and others react with anger (“Don’t be stupid!”), pain (“How could you think of hurting me like that?”), or disbelief (“You can’t be serious.”) Some “freak out.” A suicidal person might then feel a need to comfort the hurt person, provide a defense to the angry person, or retreat internally from the disbelieving person. The person might regret ever having shared in the first place that they were thinking of suicide.
By saying “I’m glad you told me” – or something similar – you convey that you welcome and encourage disclosure of suicidal thoughts, and that you can handle it.
2. “It’s sad you’re hurting like this.”
This simple expression of empathy can go a long way toward validating the person’s pain and soothing a sense of aloneness. There’s no “Oh it’s not so bad,” no “You don’t really mean that,” no “But you have so much going for you,” no other statement denying or minimizing the person’s pain.
3. “What’s going on that makes you want to die?”
This invitation to the suicidal person to tell their story can provide validation, engender a sense of connection, and show that you really want to understand. Ask the person to tell their story. And then, listen. Really listen. To deepen your understanding, follow up with more invitations to share, like “Tell me more.” Show empathy and understanding, too: “That sounds awful” or “I can see why that’s painful.”
4. “When do you think you’ll act on your suicidal thoughts?”
Even if you’re not a mental health professional, you still can ask some basic questions to help understand the person’s risk for suicide. Asking about timing will make the difference between whether you need to call someone immediately for help (for example, if the person says, “I have a gun in my backpack and I’m going to shoot myself during lunch”) or whether you can continue to have leisurely conversation with the person.
5. “What ways do you think of killing yourself?”
This is another risk-assessment question. The answer can help reveal the gravity of the situation. A person who has put a lot of time and thought into suicide methods might be in more danger than someone with a vague wish to be dead, for example.
Understanding the suicide methods that the person has considered also will help you in your efforts to keep the person safe. For example, if you’re a parent and your teenage child discloses suicidal thoughts, knowing that your teenager is considering overdosing on a painkiller alerts you to the need to lock up or throw away all potentially dangerous medications. (See this information from the Center for Youth for ways to make your home safer.)
6. “Do you have access to a gun?”
Even if you think the person doesn’t own a gun or can’t get a hold of one, this information is always important. If the answer is yes, ask the person to consider giving the gun (or a key piece of the gun) to someone, locking the gun up and giving someone the key, or doing something else to make the home gun-free until the danger of suicide goes down. For more information about firearm safety related to suicide risk, also see this gun safety fact sheet.
7. “Help is available.”
By telling the person about help that’s available, you can help them to not feel so alone, helpless, or hopeless. If you are in the U.S., you can give them the number to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988, or 800.273.8255) or the Crisis Text Line (741741). You also can show them the SpeakingOfSuicide.com Resources page, which lists other resources in the U.S. and worldwide to receive help by phone, email, text, or online chat. If the person who reveals suicidal thoughts to you is your child, take them to a mental health professional or an emergency room for an evaluation.
8. “What can I do to help?”
Definitely tell the person about resources for help, but also make clear that you are available, too, if you’re able to do so. That said, there’s only so much you can do, so if you are feeling solely responsible for keeping the person alive, it’s best to involve others, too.
9. “I care about you, and I hope you stay.”
Be careful here. In my earlier post, one of the 10 things not to say is, “Don’t you know I would be devastated if you killed yourself? How could you think of hurting me like that?” As I note in that post, “Your loved one already feels awful. Heaping guilt on top of that is not going to help them feel soothed, understood, or welcome to tell you more.”
At the same time, a simple statement of how much you care about or love the person can help nurture a sense of connection, if your statement isn’t an attempt to stop the person from talking further about suicide.
10. “I hope you’ll keep talking to me about your thoughts of suicide.”
Just as you want the person to feel welcome for having shared their suicidal thoughts to you, it’s good to make clear that you would welcome further disclosures, as well. Often, someone who has suicidal thoughts senses from others an expectation to “get over it already.” By inviting the person to come to you again about their suicidal thoughts, you can help prevent isolation and secrecy.
What Are Your Ideas about What to Say to a Suicidal Person?
There are many other helpful responses besides those listed here. If you have thoughts of suicide, what do you wish someone would say to you if you told them? If you have ever helped a suicidal friend or family member, what responses from you seemed to foster sharing, connection, and safety? Please feel free to leave a comment below.
Copyright 2017 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide. All Rights Reserved.
Edited 9/2/22
As someone who has been there myself and been there for many others who have felt this way, I genuinely think in a depressive mindset a lot of this isn’t great to say- “I’m glad you told me” i say “I am really grateful you are trusting me with this” or something similar it makes it feel less clinical and like they’re going to intervene immediately that’s part of what they are afraid of. Also all of these are I statements, giving them credit for speaking up, letting you know, asking for help is huge, take the focus of you and your feelings, “I’m sad you’re hurting” they are well aware of that, more than half the time that’s why they don’t say anything, feeling like a burden is often times enough to push people over the edge. “It’s okay to feel this way right now, you’re doing the right thing by letting someone know, I’m glad you know you can trust me” – a lot of this just feels super clinical and lacking understanding. “Do you think you understand why you’re feeling this way? If something happened that led to this path is it something I can help with? If it’s just that everything is too much, I’d love to help you break everything down, let’s see if we can catch a breath and maybe come up with the few biggest things that led you to this place” “do you feel safe enough to be alone tonight?” “Would it be okay if I stayed with you for now, if not for your benefit, maybe for mine, I just don’t know if I’d be very comfortable leaving you right now” “have you thought of any specific plans” “how can I help you feel safer” “will you let me remove some dangerous things for now” “do you want to come spend some time with me (in a different home)?” “It’s okay to feel this way right now, and that doesn’t mean what you’re feeling is right or ‘good’, but you’re allowed to feel this deeply, it doesn’t have to go further than feeling it for right now, let’s see if letting the wave crash for a little while helps alleviate any of the pain, you’re safe with me if you want to just let go and get some of this frustration and anger out” these are the kind of things that have deescalated myself, my friends, family, and others in mental hospitals that I’ve been to if anyone is looking for alternatives in the comments
Halle,
These are excellent ways to respond! I really appreciate your taking the time to share them here. Others will definitely benefit from your sharing.❤️
When I had my suicidal episode I was longing for someone to ask me the question “What are you waiting for?”, but no one did. I think it would have broken the spell I was casting over myself, somehow. And to answer the question today I would say that I was waiting for life. And although patience isn’t one of my strong points, it did come. Maybe it is a stupid question and a silly answer, but it has some lightness in posing it here.
Bern,
Some might view the question “What are you waiting for?” as provocative — that is, provoking someone to act. But I see the value in it, just as I think the question “What stops you?” has a lot of value. (I wrote about that here.) It’s not provocative to ask someone what they’ve been asking themselves – or could benefit from asking themselves.
Thanks so much for sharing here. It’s wonderful to hear from someone who made it through. 🙂
I thank you for your reply. I bought your book ‘Helping the suicidal person’, and I am reading it. To me it is an uplifting book. It is not a self help book, but it does help me somehow, and it is a relief to read it. You are a wise person, and I wish there were more people like you. I am glad that I found you. I am not in a crisis of some sort and I know I will have my own thoughts about it at some point, and by then I will let you know.
Bern,
You’re very kind to say this, thank you! I don’t often receive positive feedback in the Comments Section of posts. More often, people are angry about something I’ve written. So please know I greatly appreciate your words.
I’ve heard from others, too, that reading Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals was useful to them even though they didn’t read it for professional reasons. I can see how it can feel validating to advice that’s directed toward helping people with the challenges you yourself have experienced.
You also might find my book Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Friends, Family, and Partners Can Say and Do to be useful, too. 🙂 If you do have a chance to read that, I’d welcome all feedback.
Thanks again for sharing here!
To be real I can relate because dieing seems like it could be a better deal you’re just done and struggling and trying to survive this place is over. Just having a place to live is is a challenge we never used to have. Just that alone tells me that basically if you don’t make ALOT!! of money every month then there’s no place for you to be look at all the homeless those are not all addicts some are couples with jobs lots of people with jobs and it’s still not enough to even rent what was $900 a month is now $2700 a month so if you’re not middle class hurry up and die there’s no place for you here!!! What’s the answer ? Exactly there isn’t one. Suicide is an answer to this problem when there are no other answers that work there’s no help , no health care no nothing just work and it’s not enough. Who wants to live under a bridge or tent? Why is suicide not an answer or solution to this problem we never used to have
I have a friend who’s been expressing her thoughts to me and/or posting about committing suicide, I’m scared she might attempt to do it again and I don’t know what to do. I already did all these steps but I still feel like I’m not doing enough to comfort her. She already told me about how she tried testing the dose in late May this year, I try to help but I feel like I’m making her feel guilty instead because she keeps apologizing to me everytime.
It seems you are doing everything you can already. Unless you can persuade her to see a therapist, I don’t know what else you can do to help her. Try not to guilt trip her with how much it would hurt you if she opted out; that will only make her feel worse about herself. In the meantime, give yourself a break; her decision is her responsibility, not yours. Good luck to you and remember that the control we can exert over others, no matter how much we love them, is limited. Don’t blame yourself for her decision.
I cheated on my wife about 8. Years ago. we stayed together for about 3 years. Then while I was away doing a 3 month work assignment, she moved out on her own. She never told me she was thinking about doing it. We were separated for a year before she filed divorce and it’s been another three years since our divorce. She recently told me she found someone else that makes her happy and she has a new relationship. The news hit me very hard. I always thought that she would give me a second chance. We were married 36 years and we were together prior to that, 7 years, dating back to high school at this point. At this point, I don’t really care if I live or die. I do have two adult kids age 28 and 26. I have not had a single relationship in eight years absolutely nothing even hugging and kissing. I’m so disgusted with myself, that I fell for temptation. However, there are some extenuating circumstances that favored the water in order for me to cheat. My wife seem to be disrespectful towards me for several years. I did not like the way she was talking to me or treating me, and she seem to be showing what I would say was a lack of respect for everything I’ve done this is also at a time When she spent more time with my daughter‘s friends, and their mothers and she did not give me the attention that I needed. She started drinking a little bit and her personality turned me off so we weren’t having sex however, I would’ve always supported her and stayed with her And I would’ve never left her. So after this went on for four or five years at one point, a beautiful young girl expressed interest in me that I worked with for 2 1/2 years. I wanna say she was extremely beautiful, and we had a lot of fun together And our chemistry was perfect. I was 25 years older, but she described herself as an old soul. I did fall madly in love with her however, I broke it off and stayed with my wife to try to rebuild our relationship. Obviously, the rebuilding failed and now I’m by myself Because I gave up a person that I loved and tried to reestablish a life with my longtime wife. I wish I would’ve told my wife that I did fall out of love with her and that I fell in love with someone else, but I was too ashamed. She knew it though, and I regret not staying with a girl. I fell in love with. As it turns out years into our years of trying to reestablish our relationship and before she ran out on me, I realize she was blaming me for something we did together. The thing that we did together was swinging. We weren’t heavy swingers, but we did go to clubs and dances, and we were involved with others from time to time. Evidently she claimed she only did this for me and that had no real desire to do it so I assume that’s why she was treating me The way she was for the past 4 to 5 years. I just thought she was going through a change of life and that would be a personality so I put up with it without talking to her just figuring oh well that’s the way life’s gonna be. It was her lack of respect, I strongly believe that turned the tide and assisted me with jumping into the fair Waters affairs. Had she treated me? Had she been treating me special in as if we were in love? I probably would have never done it, but I can remember thinking this. I recall Thinking well it’s no big deal if I get caught because she doesn’t really care about me anyways anymore. So at this time, I have no zest for life. I have many things going for me and I know I should be more grateful for all the things I have, and I should forget the great thing that I had with her. But that’s much easier said than done. It absolutely haunts me these days and I probably think of it over 100 times a day. It crosses my mind what I did and how could I do such a thing to someone that was so sweet and kind to Me.. I don’t know if there’s anything that can be done to help. I just thought I’d reach out thanks for listening.
Very sorry to hear this. I can feel your pain in your words.
Sounds like you married young and made some mistakes along the way.
I don’t know your ex but I am a woman and would never consider swinging as a possibility if I were married.
Probably you both should have sown some wild oats before marrying.
Don’t hate yourself for making a mistake. Sounds like your ex thought very long and hard about getting divorced. I am sure your grown children still love you. Who knows you may even have some grandkids later on.
I am never married, no kids. If you are still healthy and have all that going for you and did not face financial ruin – that’s all in the glass half full category. She has obviously turned the page and moved on.
Try to live in the present moment. The affair and swinging would be very rough on any marriage.
She stayed a long time probably not wanting to disappoint the kids or be a divorcee. For whatever reason she was unhappy, she didn’t want to stay. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
Thanks for sharing your story. Losing someone -who was probably your best friend – is like having a part of your body taken away. I know it sounds trite but time does heal wounds.
People have broken marriages and regrets all the time. You cannot turn back the hands of time. You got a lot from that relationship. Think of those good things that came into your life.
If you are so broken up it would probably be beneficial to talk to a counselor or maybe a member of the clergy. Your life will go on and don’t let the remainder of it be spent only looking back. Look forward too. That’s what you have going for you – the possibilities of the future.
Phil, I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering from the pain of loneliness. However, from what you wrote, your relationship with your wife was already in trouble before the cheating and maybe that’s why you couldn’t repair the damage. At the same time, you spend a lot of words explaining why you cheated and how you’re haunted by it. This suggests to me that more than loneliness and grief over the lost relationship, you’re suffering the pangs of guilt, which is something very hard to overcome. Have you considered therapy? It’s helped me a great deal.
Thank you for you kind words. I appreciate the solid points that you mentioned I know we can’t change history and my life has forever changed. I need to focus on all of the good things that I still have going in my life. I have to be happy with what I currently have and not what I once had. Easier said than done. I haven’t been to therapy because I don’t have insurance at this time . I will have insurance in August so I plan to go to therapy then . Once again thank you for your compassionate response
Phil,
I just read your post and we have almost identical stories. Married young, 36 years ago. He convinced me to get into swinging, I didn’t really want to but he seemed excited about it. It ruined us. He left me for someone else. 5 years ago this month. I wanted to try and hit the restart button. He was already gone, into being with other women and I’m here alone, who I don’t trust anyone and I’ll probably be alone forever. We have adult sons, and we are going through a divorce. I need his insurance so we dragged it out. He hasn’t given me a dime and is trying to get out of paying alimony. I was in a roll over 3 years ago and I’m brain injured and have disabilities. I hold on to look forward to seeing my 9 year old granddaughter grow up. I apologize to myself every day that I was naive young and too trusting and fell into his control. He is a sociopath narcissist and I didn’t realize what was happening. I’m better off alone, but I have to live to be lonely forever. I’m sorry that this is happening to you. Sometimes people won’t give a second chance.