“Mum, I could write to you for days, but I know nothing would actually make a difference to you,” the note begins. “You are much too ignorant and self concerned to even attempt to listen or understand, everyone knows that.”
More hateful words follow, culminating with, “You are a waste of space, ignorant, and a rotten c***.”
A 17-year-old girl wrote this note shortly before she and her boyfriend reportedly killed a police officer and then took their own lives. Such a letter would be hurtful under any circumstances, but as an adolescent’s last words to her mother, it seems especially cruel.
I know nothing about this mother and daughter’s relationship. Perhaps the mother truly hurt her daughter in devastating ways. Perhaps, instead, the daughter’s hatred toward her mother was typical of so many strained relationships between mothers and their adolescent daughters.
Regardless, a hateful suicide note can provoke feelings of embarrassment and guilt, generate intense anger toward the deceased, and complicate the grieving process for the intended target of the note.
Blame and Revenge in Suicide Notes
The adolescent daughter’s suicide note is one of several anger-laced notes that have made the headlines recently. Another is the note of a father who was in a bitter, years-long custody dispute with his ex-wife.
In the father’s long suicide note, which he posted online, he calls his ex-wife a psychopath, states she bullied and emotionally abused him, and blames her father for his “murder by suicide.” (The ex-wife was awarded the copyright for the suicide note and has successfully required many websites to remove it, but other sites have refused to take it down.)
The actress Julia Roberts’ half-sister Nancy Motes died by suicide in February. Reportedly, she left a long suicide note blaming Julia Roberts for her death.
Most spiteful suicide notes simply go unreported. They may remain a family secret (or a secret from the family), a source of shame, anger or sadness, whether those emotions are directed at the deceased or at the target of the note.
A Painful Goodbye
I first wrote about suicide notes (“Unwritten Goodbyes: When There is No Suicide Note”) because of the pain those left behind can experience when there is no note – no final expression of love, no goodbye, no explanation for why the person died by suicide. I neglected to say that while the absence of a suicide note can hurt, the presence of a spiteful suicide note can hurt even more.
If you were targeted in a spiteful suicide note, then you might experience a complex barrage of emotions, depending on the nature of your relationship with the person who died. Two reactions are especially common: Anger toward the deceased, and feelings of guilt.
Anger is understandable, even instinctive. If a person’s suicide note blamed you, then you are under attack. The letter writer, serving as judge and jury, convicted you of wrongdoing without giving you any chance to present a defense. The verdict stands.
At least, it can feel that way. In reality, the suicide note captures the writer’s thoughts and feelings during only one moment in time, a moment that often is clouded by distorted thinking, mental illness, addiction, or other forces of suicide.
Recovering from a Spiteful Suicide Note
You also might feel terribly hurt by the suicide note’s indictment of you, even more so if you were close to the person who died. The pain of your loss, the intense grief, is compounded by the expression of raw anger. Feelings of guilt often follow, especially if you wish desperately that you could relive events and prevent your loved one from dying.
To place the suicide note in perspective, it can help to ask yourself the following questions:
Do the person’s criticisms accurately reflect the whole of you and your relationship with that person? (Doubtful, but if so, please be sure to read further below.)
Are the person’s criticisms of you highly selective, focusing only on regrettable incidents in your relationship while ignoring the many other aspects of your relationship that were benign or actually happy?
Are you buying into the person’s accusations without defending yourself?
Was suicide a rational response to whatever shortcomings or misdeeds that you are accused of?
It is also important to consider whether you, too, blame yourself for the person’s suicide. As I discuss elsewhere (“If Only: Self-Blame After a Loved One’s Suicide”), many people undeservedly blame themselves after the suicide of a loved one. Sadly, an angry suicide note can feed into your own fears that you failed the person who died.
But What If the Angry Suicide Note is True?
Perhaps the note accurately reports ways that you caused the person pain. Whatever hurtful things you said or did may be justifiable to you, or they may break your heart.
It is impossible not to hurt people from time to time, whether by ending a relationship, saying “no” when a person wants to hear “yes,” loving someone else, expressing needs that a loved one cannot meet, saying words in anger, fighting for what is right, or something else that upsets another person. Causing a person’s pain is not the same as causing a person’s suicide.
If you inflicted harm in ways that go beyond the normal hurts of life, consider ways to change your actions with others moving forward, to make amends, and to forgive yourself. At the same time, be careful to distinguish between guilt for your wrongdoings and guilt for the person’s suicide. Short of handing a loaded gun to a psychotic person who you know hears voices commanding him or her to die by suicide, it is extremely difficult, perhaps even impossible, to directly cause another person’s suicide.
No one person, no one act, and no one event causes suicide. Emotional pain interacts with other forces, such as genetic influences, learned behaviors, coping skills, mental illness, hopelessness, and distorted thoughts.
Keeping in mind the many forces of suicide can help soothe your anger toward the person who lashed out at you. Above all, this awareness can help you heal.
© Copyright 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide. Photo purchased from Fotolia.
If I am ever driven to such a point; my anger-filled note will simply end with: “See you soon.”
If there isn’t an afterlife, then I will happily be released into the nothingness from whence we came while the living waste their time pondering the meaning behind my final words.
However, if there is an afterlife, I have stacks of plates to break, dark bedroom corners to stand in and well deserving victims to shove down some stairs.
In the words of my dad (R.I.P old man)
“The f**k do I care? I’ll be dead!”
My fiancé committed suicide in front of me two weeks ago. Yesterday I found a note stating that he wanted me to live with it the rest of my life, which is most likely why he shot himself in front of me. He was controlling and jealous and a difficult person to live with at times while also one of the greatest charismatic men I have ever known. He used his suicide as a way to punish me because he knew I was tired of dealing with him and his issues. I never did anything to him and he did this to me on purpose as a final way to hurt me the worst way possible.
same exact thing happened to me
I’m so very, very sorry he did this to you! I pray you are recovering! That was cruel and self-centered. My father committed suicide 38 years ago, when I’d just had a baby. It was selfish and cruel and I haven’t changed my mind about that in 38 years. Prayers for your peace & healing.
His suicide was not about you. It is always about the person who takes their own life. Like you said, it is a selfish act. Though I do think describing suicide as “self-absorbed” is much more accurate and less accusing. But there’s no good in beating somebody when they are down. That’s every bit as “selfish”. Like I said, your father’s tragic suicide was not about you, even if it felt that way when you were young. Good luck!
Revenge… based on distortions, faulty perceptions, and a sickness in the soul. My daughter did the same thing to her boyfriend. Only she exacted revenge on everyone else as well. It seems like the most gifted, talented and outwardly optimistic people are especially susceptible, making it that much harder to understand and accept.
I agree with a lot of the comments here by those who are living in hell but are told to be quiet and accept it as it is common.
My ex did everything she could to cause me the most pain possible. She cheated on me, lied to friends and family about me, thew me out in the streets, played the victim and used the court system that was supposed to help victims but instead made a victim out of me. I never threatened her put my hands on her or anything but she lied. That is one of the most hurtful things she did. I have always been the protector of those who could not protect themselves. 10 yrs in the Army and 7 combat tour as an infantry officer is proof of that.
She hit me at my lowest point in my life. Lost a soldier in May, lost my Aunt in July, lost her in August, lost my health in October with cancer, lost my home in November all becom her action. You bet when and not if I take my life she will be called to account for her actions in my last words.
Art, I understand where you are coming from and I hope you found your way back from all that has happened in your life. It was not easy reading your story.
I think the point that many people seem to miss is that their actions do have consequences. We are so quick to say ” no one made someone do that” and while that can be true there are always two sides to the story and yes someone CAN create a situation so hurtful that death is better than life or it may seem that way.
I believe your ex WAS acting in a way that does not line up with what is socially acceptable. I do not know what part you played if any to her actions but outside of physical and mental abuse I don’t see her actions as being without blame.
We all have demons we work against every day but it is a different story when we allow those demons to become us. I too am a veteran and have seen the worst traits of man. When we are left to our own devices all kinds of actions are excusable. I believe you have seen it based on your experiences in combat.
I would never want to lose a brother in arms and I hope you have not taken the final mission. If so, I have the watch until you get back…AMI DE MOUVEMENT!
Are you ok ?
The problem is that emotional abuse is never punished. These people do all that they can to murder someone without actually shooting the gun. When a person has treated someone so badly that death is better than continuing on with that person, then that person should be blamed in the note at minimum.
My fiancé, Grant, created our whole relationship on the basis of lies. I lived in his fantasy world for five years. He used up the remaining childbearing years that I had believing his lies. He proposed, named our kids, adopted our cat, told me to wait for him in another state and to adopt another cat, and then coldly dumped me by text abandoning me in another state as he moved on as if our relationship never existed.
I am left to pick up all of the pieces. He isolated me so that there are few people whom I can even tell about this. No one listens anyway; they just think I’m having a hard time with a “normal” break-up.
If I can’t get over this, you can bet that I will reveal all in the note. Grant behaved in a criminal manner, but there are still no laws against emotional murder.
I am very suicidal. I have not always been like this. I once loved life and enjoyed it. Now, due to things I have done and what has been done to me, I relish in the thought of one day gathering the strength to take my life.
As a child, I was physically and verbally abused by a step-father and a step-mother. The step-father acknowledged what he had done. However, those scars are forever imprinted on my mind. The step-mother refuses to accept responsibility for her actions. I do not anticipate her ever changing so I cut her out of my life. Still, the damage is done.
I was married for over 20 years. After the first 5, things went downhill and never recovered. I stayed because I wanted it to get better but it never did. I was verbally and emotionally abused by my spouse and they never sought to acknowledge their transgressions. I finally had to end the marriage. It is the most difficult thing I have had to do.
I am not a saint. I did stupid things as a kid that required punishment. However, taking a belt across my face is unacceptable. I did not spend enough time with my spouse and it caused friction. However, it did not warrant belittling me and telling me how messed up I became. I had to request a divorce. Even though I love the person incredibly, I could not withstand the life any more.
When I do end my life, I know that some of why is my fault. However, they will carry the lion’s share of the burden. My note will lash out. It will be vitriolic. It is meant to serve two purposes. One is to finally attempt to get their attention that their actions caused this. Two, to ensure other people know what they have done and shine a light on that dark corner of their life. I will forfeit my life to give them but just a taste of what they served me.
Hiding my note will be impossible. It will be released. It will be broadcast. Friends, family, and total strangers will associate their living with my death. Maybe then they will pay attention to their actions.
Please, take responsibility for your own life regardless. You are not the only one who was abused or had unsuccessful marriage. threatening people with suicide is ridiculous.
If you could just move on with out ruining other people’s lives by killing urself!
I was targeted in a suicide note and I try all my best to move on. And my dad is a jobless alcoholic who abused me and my sisters. I’m an immigrant living in canada and try to get settled here for three damn years. My husband is with out job for 4 years. I think it’s ideal situation to kill urself and then blame everyone. But I’m strong,smart and beautiful.
If you have a job and place to live in-believe me you are not in the worst situation. Forgive who ever hurt you and move on!
Do NOT victim-blame. Those people ruined his life. He has a right to mention their abuse with his last breath.
Inna, good for you for having good self-esteem and perservering. However, also consider advantages you may have, and be thankful. If a suicide note unjustly targeted you, take solace that you have your truth, your voice and your life, which you value.
But do NOT take it upon yourself to judge a stranger in deep despair, invalidate their feelings and participate in annihilating their voice.
People on the verge of suicide are usually those with the least agency. Their experiences are likely to be swept under a rug of reframing, their feelings brushed aside, their choices in life and death maligned. If they want to leave a suicide note, their last missive should be respected. It was the last thing they said before the gave up the thing that binds us all, human and non, at the most fundamental level.
The living should not coopt, coerce or conceal the voices of the dead. Their note may be all lies. It may focus on the negative. It may be delusional and toxic. But those words were the last they chose to say. The price paid for that finality is steeply personal.