Many people desperately wish to stop their suicidal thoughts. Often, this is possible. You might be able to eliminate suicidal thoughts by healing the depression, stress, hopelessness, self-hatred or whatever forces underlie them.
Yet it might take a while to stop thinking of suicide. For some people, suicidal thoughts just do not stop, or they keep revisiting uninvited whenever bad moods come, no matter how much healing has occurred during good moods.
Fundamentally, we cannot control what thoughts come to us. We can only control how we react to them.
How Do You React to Suicidal Thoughts?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are truth? Because they tell you that you should die, do you believe that you should die?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are a symptom, and nothing else? Because you think of suicide, do you take this as a call to tend to whatever wound creates the thoughts?
I have already written about other ways to react to suicidal thoughts, as well. You can talk back to them, playing the role of defense attorney against the prosecutor in your head calling for the death penalty (as described by David Burns, M.D., in his book Feeling Good).
You can observe your suicidal thoughts mindfully, watching as they pass through your head without feeding them or giving into them.
Another way to react to suicidal thoughts is to soothe yourself by telling yourself what you might tell a close friend or relative in the same situation. Only, this time, you are being a friend to yourself. This coping technique calls for what therapists call “coping statements.”
What Are Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts?
A coping statement is whatever you can tell yourself that will help you to pass safely through the minefield of suicidal thoughts. Examples include:
This will pass.
That is my depression talking, not me.
I will get through this.
Just because my thoughts tell me to kill myself doesn’t mean I really should.
I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to end.
There are other ways to end my pain, even if I can’t see them right now.
My suicidal thoughts are not rational.
Suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not a solution.
Using Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
There is no limit to the possible coping statements out there. Some websites feature long lists of coping statements, such as this mental health website . You can also find coping statements geared to specific problems, such as anxiety.
The key to using coping statements effectively is to keep repeating them to yourself (silently or not), like a mantra. Some people write their coping statements on sticky notes and leave them on mirrors and doors where they live. Others create “coping cards” with one coping statement or a whole list, and carry them in their wallet.
Repeatedly seeing, saying, or thinking your coping statements will provide a good counterpoint to suicide’s grim yet seductive messages. It also will gradually train your mind to take a more realistic path.
A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Tool
“What you think, you become,” is a powerful statement often misattributed to the Buddha but no less true, regardless of who said it.
Cognitive behavioral therapy operates under the same premise: If you tell yourself the worst will happen, then you will feel anxious and depressed. Tell yourself different things, and you will feel differently. These ideas reinforce the value of talking to yourself with kindness and with intentions to soothe yourself.
Beware of positive thinking or positive affirmations. If you are grossly unhappy with yourself or your life, telling yourself that you are happy will only further rouse the negative thoughts. “No you’re not happy! That’s ridiculous! You are miserable, and here is why.”
Rather than telling yourself that you are happy when you actually are miserable or that your life is great when it actually feels awful, it is far more helpful to tell yourself something that you really can believe, such as:
I can’t know that I will feel this way forever.
Based on past experiences, my feelings and situation will probably change.
Life is constantly changing.
I am a work in progress.
Unrealistically positive thinking can hurt. Realistic thinking can help, even when reality isn’t so great. But remember to think realistically in both directions — good and bad.
Coming Up With Your Own Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
Although I have thrown out some ideas here, coping statements work best if they really resonate with you. Perhaps some of the coping statements on this page or the websites I provided above do resonate with you. If so, that’s great. If not, try to come up with your own. To do this, ask yourself these questions:
<h3″>What do I really want someone else to tell me right now?
What would I tell someone else right now who wanted to die by suicide for the same reasons that I do?
What would it help me to tell myself?
What would it help me to truly believe?
What Self-Talk Helps You Cope with Suicidal Thoughts?
I invite you to leave a comment describing what coping statements work best for you!
© 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
From always giving myself to men I chose over my children. My self worth is miniscule.
I couldn’t help anyone wanting to end it all. I would feel so much empathy I’d probably agree with them. I’m old, sick, have no purpose in life, nothing to look forward to.. My children are tired of having to look after me. I feel lonely and a burden. What’s the point in living. There is none. Only God knows.
Hi Stacey. I’m lying in bed, very depressed. And contemplating suicide as a way out. I tried about two months ago; as you talk about elsewhere, I was looking to drift into unconsciousness, on a one-way trip to ‘the big sleep’. And as you also said in the same piece, suicide isn’t easy. I tried twice on that occasion. And failed twice. With me it’s poss’ a bit like Bob Bergeron (ironically only last year I was riding a bit of a high), inasmuch as I feel almost all of life in modern consumer capitalist society is ‘a lie, based on bad information’. I’m not sure why – as I still feel pretty awful – but reading some of what I found online that you’ve written has helped me step back from the edge, psychologically. Even if only a few inches. So thanks for sharing your own story.
Sebastian,
Thanks so much for your comment. I’m sorry you know depression and suicidality so well; you belong to a large club that no one asked to join. It means a lot to me that some of what I’ve written has helped you in some way. Truly. I’m working on a memoir about my experiences and comments like yours give me hope that someone besides my mother will read it. 😉 I josh, but seriously, your words do give me hope that maybe my words can help some people, as they’ve helped you. So thank you again.
I am a rationally irrational suicidal plotter. I am okay in the day time with my makeup on in my work clothes. It feels almost like a mask I put it on to keep my other life going. But my real life, it lies within me; it sits on my pillow waiting for me to give up. I awake at night sweating with everything running through my mind. There’s this voice that is so strong it can make my muscles ache; it twists and turns at whatever comfort is left in me. I recite the only prayer I have ever know until I am exhausted and fall back into sleep. I think that’s what it is, I am uncomfortable being alive. I am uncomfortable in my skin and when the makeup comes off I can’t tell who this person is; I don’t want to be this person. I think about suicide as an end to the constant worry, anxiety, and self disgust. I often think about the impact that could have on my husband and children. That worries me too, there is no insurance policy with a pay out for suicide. I have only debt to pass on, what would they do without me? I am the bread winner, without me this dream we live in goes away. I would be the gateway for them to enter this ugly world I’m living in. I don’t want that for them either. I want to not impact anyone in this world and just disappear, but I know that’s not how this works. Rationally thinking about my escape…I know there is none. Today I googled positive affirmations for suicidal thoughts and found this page. I wanted to say I understand all of you. Normal people can say that and it wouldn’t be true. But I have sat there contemplating bleeding out and then throwing on an outfit to clock in for the work day. The emotional rollercoaster that plays in my head, I feel it in my body it is always there waiting for the last straw. I am lucky to have the husband I have now that will not stop trying to change my mind and protect me from myself. One day he won’t be able to fight my demons with me, I must find a way to delete this part of me. We must find a way. Don’t give up, until next time.
Silently screaming,
Also a Nobody
Your story is amazing. You know yourself so well.
Please remember that all depression wants is to get you alone in a room and lie to you. Please be safe. We care.
I also found this by googling ‘anti suicide affirmations’, and I can totally relate to the constant schizoid life of outward ‘normality’ vs internal hell. I also have a very loving partner (wife), who I don’t want to hurt. But living in misery to spare others pain doesn’t seem very viable in the long term. To end on a more positive note; I have found that my little deck of affirmation cards, which, on and off, I carry wherever I go, has been helpful.
Wow.. you just so accurately described my life.. so exactly explained the way I feel everyday that I genuinely got chills.. the biggest goosebumps I’ve ever had truly! The only difference is how far I am from being the breadwinner.. I’m what’s called a homemaker but I’m also as far away from that description as I am breadwinner.. it’s hard to make a home, be a mother, or even be just a decent human being when I can’t even get myself out of bed. I have the most amazing partner but when I really look at him and see how weary all the years of being with me and my demons have made him it just barrels me harder, faster and stronger towards that miserable abyss I find myself in every time my head hits that pillow. It makes me ache inside knowing how badly I’ve ruined him, and how badly I’ve ruined my children. What did they ever do to deserve someone like me? I know deep down if I didn’t exist that they would finally have some sunshine in their lives.. they’d finally be out from under the thick dark storm cloud that covers every corner of my world. Don’t I owe them that? Don’t they deserve peace? Whether I live or die I’ve already ruined them all anyway .. why was I even born? I’ve been a burden since the day I got to this world, what did anyone else do to deserve my existence???