Teenagers who think of suicide often tell only their friends, and they make the friends promise to keep their suicidal thoughts secret. This puts the friends in a bind. Should they break their promise and tell an adult?
Telling an adult about a suicidal friend poses problems. Doing so might end the friendship. The suicidal teen may end up getting in trouble with their parents (sadly). They might end up in a psychiatric hospital (unlikely). And the friend might be so angry that they never speak again to the person who informed an adult.
These are legitimate worries. But if you’re a teen and a friend is thinking of suicide, I hope you’ll consider this:
Would you rather that your friend be mad at you and alive, or in danger of dying by suicide? Worse, what if your friend dies and you did not do everything you could to help?
Living with Regret
In the suicide prevention field, we have a saying:
Better a mad friend than a dead friend.
This is blunt, but true. Years ago, I talked with a 17-year-old whose best friend had died by suicide. Her friend had confided in her that she was thinking of dying by suicide, and swore her to secrecy. The young woman I spoke with kept her promise.
When she learned of her friend’s suicide, she felt awful in more ways than one. Not only did she miss her friend greatly and grieve her loss. She also blamed herself for not getting help for her friend. Now, it’s possible her friend would have died anyway, even if the woman I spoke with had told an adult. But the “what if’s” are a terrible weight to bear.
Telling an Adult about a Suicidal Friend
For these reasons, if you are a teen or even younger and a friend asks you to keep their suicidal thoughts secret, I hope you’ll tell an adult. You might tell your parents, your friend’s parents, a teacher, a coach, a minister, or some other adult about your friend’s state of mind.
You may have many reasons for not wanting to tell an adult, or for being afraid to. In the post 10 Reasons Teens Avoid Telling Parents about Suicidal Thoughts, I list some of the reasons teens find it hard to talk about suicide. Maybe you can even show that list to your parents or whatever adult you tell, in the hopes that it will help them to react more sensitively.
Things to Think About if a Friend Tells You They’re Suicidal
Perhaps your friend will be mad at you if you tell an adult. If so, perhaps they will forgive you when they feel better. And perhaps they won’t be mad at all. Some teens are relieved when an adult enters the picture and gets them the help they need.
You may think it’s safe to keep your friend’s secret, because you find it unlikely that your friend will really die by suicide. Chances are you’re correct. In the year 2000, for example, an estimated 3 million people 12-17 years old seriously considered suicide or made an attempt that did not kill them, according to the NHSDA Report. Of those 3 million, just over 1,000 died by suicide that year.
So maybe your friend will not act on their suicidal thoughts, and you may think afterward that there was no need to let an adult know. But they also might be in the small group of teens who do die by suicide.
Do you really want to take the chance that you’re wrong?
©Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
The last thing I have to figure out before I leave the world is who will take my 2 dogs and my bird.I have no family, children or significant other or even friends! I just moved here and lost hundreds of friends back home. Never say that suicide doesn’t solve problems. OF COURSE IT DOES! It solves every single one. Also, since I’ve been planning suicide for about 2 years now, I have created some of the greatest techniques that I haven’t seen anywhere else. They are truly brilliant methods of getting out of this hell hole shark tank painlessly. Last of all, make sure your tombstone says, “DON’T HAVE KIDS.” Every idiot couple who brings in a baby just wants the fun of a young person for 18 years. After that, the poor kids are on their own. Once the parents die, the kids are left with tragedies left and right, facing death, themselves, and sick and terrified and living in horror. If you love children, DON’T HAVE THEM! It’s selfish and cruel and they die in misery after you’re dead and you can’t even comfort them. How selfish are you to do that to a human being??? Later, taters.
I want you here… Please don’t go. Can we talk?
I hope you are still alive, because there is more to life that is good and sometimes even great experiences are awaiting you.
Planning your death leads to more despair…..unhappiness, much more that is negative. Would’nt you like to overcome and conquer your problems in a way that will make you proud to be who you are, and tell others you found a way to live through this hell and found your true reason of happiness that makes your life worth living…??
It can be done!!
Love and great happy days ahead!
Denise
I cry everyday with my friend because we both feel strongly about it but one of my other friends is the only one holding us back. He makes us feel like we matter even though our families don’t make us feel that way.
You may not know it now, but so many people care. Look, only reading your comment, I care!
And if you trust them, tell your parents. If not, is there anybody else you trust? Relative or teacher, perhaps? The important thing is, you have to share your feelings. I don’t know where you live but look for a number you can call, just to talk.
If it gets too bad, please please please seek medical treatment.
Also: remember there is a suicide emergency number.
I don’t know if I should tell anyone because my parents might get mad. I want someone to hear me for once.
You can talk right here
I’m not going to kill my self I’m just going to try my best to live with my dad
From his life experiences, my partner’d told me I was the only person he could trust.
We lived out-of-state, his family never bothered in fifteen years, it was always Only Us, even co-works/aquaintances never bothered.
His mom and an old friend called 911 from out-of-state twice: when the police showed-up, he had enough mental capacity to play-it-off as just a “bad day” type scene. And, every time the police did show, he’d get extremely pissed.
In Florida, the famous Baker Act only allows cops/doctors/counselors/etc. to have a person put in the hospital for 2-3 days evaluation, only-if the person shows Intent With Means.
And, even at the hospital, anyone can play-it-off and get released.
Because We were alone, and I was the only one Who knew all the deep shit, If I could’ve had him looked-at, he would have played-it-off, gotten released; Then, the last person he trusted………me…….turning him in.
He would have taken off somewhere, unknown: he had survival skills, firearms proficiency, and recent episodes of Hypervigilance.
Sitting outside, the neighbor started his lawnmower….same as usual, but my partner jumped-up literally ready to go over the fence and kill the guy!
Took me a while to calm him down.
Now…….What If I weren’t around…….I can promise you, with his skills, someone(s) would be dead.
SOUND FAMILIAR?
Shooter with mental issues goes on rampage…….then all we hear/think is “another nutjob killed someone”, shot dead by police. But noone cares about the WHAT That brought them to this point!!
***Tell everyone WHAT: I did, my partner was a really good person who gave/cared without expecting anything. He worked his ass-off for years, we both did, trying to buy the company, getting used by a greedy worthless piece-of-shit boss. Our customers loved how much he helped them, but when he stopped leaving the house, They got all pissy because he wasn’t kissing their asses anymore!
He sent his mom money anytime she needed, yet the bitch refused to ever come-down, MORE actually refused to The Week Before when I called, begging her and his brother for help……then yelled at me, after, That there should have been an Intervention!
She stuck me with all the dirty work after, even the police left me there alone at 3:30a.m. without telling me I had to clean-up!
And Worse: because we never had a Civil Union, noone giving-a-shit about our Ten Years or the Secret Hell he wouldn’t/I couldn’t say anything about,
The police treated me no better than a roommate, admitted not doing resuscitation, the blood stains on the mattress I had to clean were bigger than his body…even after soaking through a comforter/blankets: the M.F.s had let him bleed.
But Florida Law doesn’t allow me to seek Wrongful Death: there has to be a Spouse or Minor Child!
So yeah, his heartless mom got him, I got all the shit: she knew I lost everything, but I still had to fight her greedy attempts to take “only his most valuable stuff”….this was our Home, noone gave a shit when we were sweating in the Florida sun to get all of our stuff, but I’m just suppossed to hand it over?
F_CK THAT!
Long-Short: Yet, again, noone else knowing how deep the shit was, and only heard of an Insane Gunman on the news, wouldn’t care past Him getting shot by the police, end-of-story.
~So easy writing/thinking pretty conclusions/treatments/stories when your hands are only dusty from the classroom……try doing So with your hands covered in the Blood Of The Innocent……..yes, having a Mental Condition is out-of-your-control, you/we (Member now since 2/16/15) are innocent, it’s the Conditions and Those who sacrifice proper treatment for time, money, procedure and fame Who are guilty.
I would be dead right now if my friend didn’t stop me before. My mind hasn’t changed from that day.