Teenagers who think of suicide often tell only their friends, and they make the friends promise to keep their suicidal thoughts secret. This puts the friends in a bind. Should they break their promise and tell an adult?
Telling an adult about a suicidal friend poses problems. Doing so might end the friendship. The suicidal teen may end up getting in trouble with their parents (sadly). They might end up in a psychiatric hospital (unlikely). And the friend might be so angry that they never speak again to the person who informed an adult.
These are legitimate worries. But if you’re a teen and a friend is thinking of suicide, I hope you’ll consider this:
Would you rather that your friend be mad at you and alive, or in danger of dying by suicide? Worse, what if your friend dies and you did not do everything you could to help?
Living with Regret
In the suicide prevention field, we have a saying:
Better a mad friend than a dead friend.
This is blunt, but true. Years ago, I talked with a 17-year-old whose best friend had died by suicide. Her friend had confided in her that she was thinking of dying by suicide, and swore her to secrecy. The young woman I spoke with kept her promise.
When she learned of her friend’s suicide, she felt awful in more ways than one. Not only did she miss her friend greatly and grieve her loss. She also blamed herself for not getting help for her friend. Now, it’s possible her friend would have died anyway, even if the woman I spoke with had told an adult. But the “what if’s” are a terrible weight to bear.
Telling an Adult about a Suicidal Friend
For these reasons, if you are a teen or even younger and a friend asks you to keep their suicidal thoughts secret, I hope you’ll tell an adult. You might tell your parents, your friend’s parents, a teacher, a coach, a minister, or some other adult about your friend’s state of mind.
You may have many reasons for not wanting to tell an adult, or for being afraid to. In the post 10 Reasons Teens Avoid Telling Parents about Suicidal Thoughts, I list some of the reasons teens find it hard to talk about suicide. Maybe you can even show that list to your parents or whatever adult you tell, in the hopes that it will help them to react more sensitively.
Things to Think About if a Friend Tells You They’re Suicidal
Perhaps your friend will be mad at you if you tell an adult. If so, perhaps they will forgive you when they feel better. And perhaps they won’t be mad at all. Some teens are relieved when an adult enters the picture and gets them the help they need.
You may think it’s safe to keep your friend’s secret, because you find it unlikely that your friend will really die by suicide. Chances are you’re correct. In the year 2000, for example, an estimated 3 million people 12-17 years old seriously considered suicide or made an attempt that did not kill them, according to the NHSDA Report. Of those 3 million, just over 1,000 died by suicide that year.
So maybe your friend will not act on their suicidal thoughts, and you may think afterward that there was no need to let an adult know. But they also might be in the small group of teens who do die by suicide.
Do you really want to take the chance that you’re wrong?
©Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
My friend is suicidal and has depression. She’s attempted suicide numerous times. I’ve only known her for like a year and a half. Maybe more. In that time she’s attempted suicide two or three times and she’s told me beforehand. I didn’t tell anyone about this. And now she’s told me she’s going to attempt suicide again. I have a bad feeling this attempt might work. Should I really tell someone?
Yes, Yes, Yes tell the parents, tell their therapist, give them a suicide hotline, anything to stop them from attempting suicide. They maybe upset with you, but trust me coming from someone whose only biological child committed suicide it’s the right thing to do. My 20 year old son shot himself in the head with my own gun 18 months ago in his bedroom while my wife and I were at work. We found him, and it has utterly destroyed our lives. It was horrific, gruesome, not like the moves at all, and permanent. My son, my baby is dead, no going back, just gone.
We found out a few months later from his ex girlfriend she knew he was suicidal. She knew he was threatening to end his life for years with the very gun he used, when he thought about doing it… She said nothing , she kept his secret, and now he is dead doing exactly what he told her he wanted to do. She also told us she dumped him to “toughen him up from his anxiety issues”. The complete, and utter devastation my son’s suicide has caused myself, my wife, his brother, friends… is unimaginable. I forgive her, but will go to my grave very angry with her for not telling us, for keeping his secret.
I will never know if my son could have been saved. If we had known he was having suicidal thoughts, we would have removed the gun, and told his therapist who also was unaware he was suicidal… We would have at least had a chance to get him the help he needed, and saved him…My wife, and I were completely blindsided by his suicide. I would give anything to have gotten that warning he was suicidal, but I didn’t, and he is now gone forever.
Your friend if they complete the act will leave a trail of destruction like my son did. Please do everything to talk them out of it, get them professional help… Remember that is someone’s child you are trying to save.
The said friend is adopted so her relationship with her parents isn’t the best but yes, I will keep your advice in mind. I’ll try to do as you said because losing someone close to you…..well that’s something I can understand. Anyway thanks.
And I’d tell you I’m sorry for your loss, but I personally don’t believe sorry cuts it. So all I can do is hope you can live your life as well as you can, I imagine you must be feeling a bit guilty. And hopefully things won’t go any worse.
Sometimes it help. with me I would be mad if my friends told my parents, not like they would care anyway.
This article was reassuring to me to say the least.
Just lately a friend of mine was planning suicide and I have had to call the Suicide Prevention Hotline because I panicked and I was extremely terrified. I had already lost another friend to suicide almost a year ago and that was my driving force to call them, plus more encouragements from another friend. They told me to call the police in their area, and so I did. The family was notified, and they came to check on my friend to ask them questions.
Now they’re mad at me for having to call the police but what else was I going to do? Call the relatives? I had no other way to contact anyone else related to my friend nearby, and that’s what the hotline told me. They got angry, and told me I shouldn’t deal with them anymore.
Nothing prepared me for the hurt of losing a friend just by trying to save their life. Honestly though? I’m just relieved. That they’re safe. I don’t want to live through a sad guilt-ridden life just like I did those months back, and this friend was very dear to me..
I hope one day I can talk to them again. There’s no guarantee, but I want to hope at least a little. But thank you so much for this article. It helped me feel assured. Thank you.
Did they forgive you?
This is a very educational article. I do not know that I agree totally with it though. Do you think this applies to adults as well? If a person who is considering suicide as an adult and speaks of it to another one as a confidence what do you think? I disagree with all these sites that say you need to always call 911 when someone mentions suicide. Sometimes you simply need to listen and then keep whatever they say in confidence between you and them. If you do end up telling someone, the person may well end up in a pysch hospital (not sure why this article says that is unlikely by the way as that IS what would end up happening 9 out of 10 times……) and win the Psych ward very few ever get correct treatment that helps them the first or even 2nd, 3rd, or 4th chances. You then have a case where the person gets out feeling no better and you end up losing that person anyway. Because they turned to you to listen and support them and you decided to take charge of a matter that no one asked you to to start with!!!!!! This always bothers me I must confess. I would rather have a friend I could admit my strong suicidal feelings to than to have them “turn me in” and stay in a hospital for a few days, them push pills on me, and walk out planning to end my life. Now, with no one to turn to as the person is no longer trustworthy at that point. Now, which do you all prefer in this scenario?? You assume what the treatment is going to work all the time? We know they fail more than they succeed and then you have lost that person. Instead, I suggest letting them talk to you and keeping whatever they say secret. That way, when they feel this way again they know they can come to you and tell you and have relief from those feelings. What do you think?? Or am I missing something here? Well, sorry this is long. Good day to you!!!!!!
you right Nikolle
I had a friend who was suicidal and he didnt want to tell an adult. I took the risk and told a counselor. They were glad I did. I told them, “Rather deal with hate than regret.”
Lizabeth,
That is an excellent point! I often wonder, what would someone rather regret: acting out of love and concern when the person ends up being safe, or doing nothing when the person ends up dying?
I know what the answer is for me! And I think many people who are on the receiving end of a caring act ultimately come to appreciate that someone cared enough to try to get them help.
Very Interesting! Thanks
You’re welcome – I’m glad you enjoyed the article.