A friend recently sent me an anguished email about someone she knew whose teenage daughter died the week before. The mother was telling others that the death was an accident, when it was unquestionably a suicide.
This saddened my friend greatly – not only the suicide itself, but also the family’s shame, so intense that they had to lie about their daughter’s death. It saddens me, too.
Understanding Shame and Secrecy about Suicide
I do understand the root of such shame. Suicide still carries an enormously heavy stigma in many circles. People may blame the victim or the family, without realizing that the fault lies with the forces of suicide itself, in the same way that people who die from heart attacks, strokes, and cancer are not to blame.
I understand not wanting to answer questions laced with accusations of blame: “Did you see any clues?” “What did you do to help her?” “Did she have a bad childhood?”
And I understand not wanting to accept that a loved one ended her own life. Denying a loved one’s suicide can spare the survivors from asking themselves agonizing questions: “Could I have done more to prevent her suicide?” “Why wasn’t I enough to live for?” “Did I cause her suicide in any way?”
I understand, but I wish that more families would be open about suicide. I say this not only for the public at large, which would benefit from knowing the full truth about suicide. Not only for others who lost a loved one to suicide and who are further stigmatized when suicide is considered so shameful that it must not be named. Not only for those who have attempted or seriously considered suicide, and who are hurt by the notion that what they did is shameful.
I say this also for the family itself.
How Secrecy about Suicide Hurts the Family
Shame festers in dark places. The more the family hides, or denies, that their loved one died by suicide, the more the shame will grow inside of them. By keeping the suicide secret, they are buying into the idea that their loved one did something shameful, and that it brought shame to them and their family.
When shame goes unchallenged in its darkness, it wins. When shame – undeserved shame, I should say, and shame about suicide is most definitely undeserved – is exposed to light, it weakens. With openness, people find a community of others who have also lost a loved one to suicide, who can normalize the experience, who can offer hope and healing, and who can provide the antidote to shame – acceptance.
By hiding the suicide of their loved one, families are depriving themselves of support from others. They are depriving themselves of community with other survivors of suicide loss. They are depriving themselves of the comforting truth that they are not alone.
Help from Others who Lost a Loved One to Suicide
There is an entire movement of people who have lost a loved one to suicide and who, in turn, are dedicated to helping others who find themselves in the same tragic situation. This community is tragically large; in recent years, close to 50,000 people in the U.S. each year have died by suicide – and more than 700,000 a year throughout the world. So you can imagine how many millions of people have been touched by suicide.
Cities and other communities have support groups for suicide loss survivors. Online support groups exist as well.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention even has an outreach program for suicide loss survivors. A survivor makes personal visits to people who are newly bereaved to suicide, if they request the service. (Please see this site’s Resources page, particularly the section for survivors of suicide loss, for more information about support groups in person and online.)
Suicide, Secrecy, and Children
Finally, secrecy hurts children. I wrote about this previously in my post “What to Tell Children of a Loved One’s Suicide?”
Children ultimately need to know the truth. The truth, when delivered in an age-appropriate way, can help them to make sense of the world around them and to maintain trust in the adults in their world. They can also be spared the same internalized shame that afflicts so many others.
I once read a devastating account about Frank Campbell, PhD, executive director of a crisis intervention center in Louisiana. This story comes from the excellent book for suicide survivors, Touched by Suicide: Hope and Healing After Loss.
Dr. Campbell explained that a mother came to him seeking grief counseling for her 5-year-old son, whose father had fatally shot himself in the head. She insisted that Dr. Campbell not tell her son that his father had died by suicide, as she was “protecting” him from this truth.
When Dr. Campbell met privately with the boy, the boy confided that he knew his father killed himself because he’d overheard his aunt talking about it. “But please don’t tell my mommy,” the boy entreated. “She thinks my daddy died in a car accident.”
Children figure things out, whether now or later. If suicide is kept secret, one of many messages children might absorb is that suicide is so shameful that it has to be denied.
In Closing
For the sake of children, the community, other suicide loss survivors, and themselves, I wish more families would name suicide. Many families have compelling reasons not to reveal a suicide, and I respect that. At the same time, if more families are honest about suicide, the shame and stigma will erode, and one day there will be no reason to hide.
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© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
My brother took his life, March 17, 2017. I grieve so much for him, especially since we don’t know why. He was our youngest of seven, electrical engineer, just paid off his home, has a great 17-year old son and a good wife. His wife and mother-in-law think it was health or work-related. I think my sister-in-law asked my brother for a divorce. Due to no family member wanting to talk about my brother’s death, it makes it difficult to accept his passing. It’s as if he just left. There are no local support groups. I’ve checked. Also, his wife tells everyone my brother had a heart attack. My nephew and mother-in-law do the same.
MJ Kate,
I’m sorry about your brother’s suicide. I can imagine how the silence and secrecy around his death can make it even more difficult to accept. I hope you have been able to find support elsewhere. In the absence of local support groups, perhaps you could try an online group such as Alliance of Hope’s forum. I also list other resources here.
Apologies for my delayed response.
My brother took his own life to suicide april 20 2017 i miss him so much he was my hero, my best friend
Vickie,
I am so very sorry for your loss. What a fresh tragedy. Do you have any support? See the Resources page for suicide loss survivors, which has links to directories of support groups.
My best friend in high school committed suicide. Sometimes people get so frustrated and in so much pain in life they feel like driving into a brick wall… and he actually did it.
This type of death cannot be hidden, and was in the paper. He was an only child, and his parents felt ashamed. They covered it up (“careless driving”) and even though everybody knew what happened they dare not call them out on such a sensitive issue. Since I was his best friend I felt a sense of responsibility in helping his parents heal. And I felt the way to do that was to help them confront that it was a suicide, because only in accepting that could they also move on to accepting that it was not their fault.
Long story short, in trying to do this I ran up against my own brick wall. A metaphorical one of course. In doing what I thought was trying to help them I brought out the worst of them and left the situation feeling very mistreated. I’m still bitter about it and over a decade later haven’t let go of the feeling that I can’t truly move on until it is acknowledged for what it was.
There is a reason things in life are kept in the dark. But it doesn’t change the fact that the worst monsters are always the ones who’s faces you can’t see, and no matter how ugly the monster it is always uglier in the shadows than in the light.
-Rob
This is a great article – it’s interesting to read about suicide and learn from other people’s experiences. I’m still new to suicide prevention work and it’s very encouraging and inspiring. This article helped remind me of an incident from high school that makes much more sense now, because I never knew – as a young person – that stigma was painful for everyone. Not just me.
I had known that my grandfather’s best friend had a son who’d died, but no one had ever used the word suicide. When I was 15 and nearly hospitalized for depression, I had to spend the night at my grandparents’ house after presenting at the local mental health clinic for help.They were unsure if my home was a safe place to spend the weekend, and my parents were so furious, it probably wasn’t…But like my parents, my grandparents were infuriated because I was suicidal. I was angry, too – why didn’t they care that I felt such despair that I wanted to die?
My grandfather unleashed his anger and said, “are you trying to do to us what my best friend’s son did to his parents and family?” He told me that the suicide had destroyed his friends and I remember the disgusted look on his face when he asked, “do you know what it did to my friend to find his boy hanging from the attic ceiling?” I was stunned, and I wondered why I hadn’t heard that story. This happened in 1989 (I’m getting old!), but I’m not sure that things have improved much since then, in terms of the stigma surrounding suicide.
When I did make two attempts five years later, I was terrified of my family’s reactions. I had made the attempts in Arizona, and when my mom insisted that I return home to Connecticut, I remember my heart racing when we pulled up to the house after the long cross-country drive. Both sets of my grandparents were at the house with my father, sitting outside on the porch, waiting for us to arrive.I was surprised by their kindsness and understanding. They visited me two weeks later, when I was eventually hospitalized for the first time, and no one was unkind or caused me to feel guiltier than I already did.
Family members don’t always realize that their comments and reactions matter as much as they do. And I know that suicide survivors don’t realize – when talking about their family’s reactions – don’t always realize how hard it is for family members to be reminded that they said something cruel in a moment of crisis. I published a book when I was 20, and in that autobiography I quoted the first words from my grandmother that day in 1989: “Are you trying to ruin our family name?” It was astounding insensitive, but my grandmother was never let off the hook for saying it. It was immortalized in my work. So much pain could have been avoided if everyone had been a little more careful to avoid shaming language.
This issue is so delicate. It requires kindness and understanding. I don’t think that most people understand the depth of the experiences for everyone involved. That’s why websites like this are so crucial, and why the current conversation about suicide can make a difference. Days like yesterday, at the “Elevating the Conversation Conference,” always leave me feeling incredibly grateful that I did not die, despite trying desperately to end my life. I’m one of the lucky people – my life eventually got much better, but it took years. It’s my mission in life to help other people find their way. Thank you for this place where people can openly engage in conversation about suicide from multiple perspectives!
Chris
I lost my brother to suicide, we were very open about the topic within our family and some friends. But there were a couple of good friends which i lied to because i didn’t feel comfortable telling for several reasons. It wasn’t until years later that i told them the truth. I don’t think we should be so hard on people who decide to hide this because there still is a lot of stigma out there and in the early stages of grief you are very fragile. The last thing you need is a layer of judgement projected on to you. I think the fight to end the stigma of suicide should be for those who have healed.
Cheers,
Alex
Alex, those are excellent points: “I don’t think we should be so hard on people who decide to hide this….” “I think the fight to end the stigma of suicide should be for those who are healed.” You are so right. I will need to reconsider what I have written in this post. Yes, I wish there were no stigma attached to suicide. Yes, I wish there were no need to be secret about it. But the reality is that there is stigma, and there is secrecy as a result.
Everyone grieves in their own way. And everyone reacts to grief in their own way. There is no right way or wrong way. There just is grief.
Thanks for reminding me of these facts, Alex!