A friend recently sent me an anguished email about someone she knew whose teenage daughter died the week before. The mother was telling others that the death was an accident, when it was unquestionably a suicide.
This saddened my friend greatly – not only the suicide itself, but also the family’s shame, so intense that they had to lie about their daughter’s death. It saddens me, too.
Understanding Shame and Secrecy about Suicide
I do understand the root of such shame. Suicide still carries an enormously heavy stigma in many circles. People may blame the victim or the family, without realizing that the fault lies with the forces of suicide itself, in the same way that people who die from heart attacks, strokes, and cancer are not to blame.
I understand not wanting to answer questions laced with accusations of blame: “Did you see any clues?” “What did you do to help her?” “Did she have a bad childhood?”
And I understand not wanting to accept that a loved one ended her own life. Denying a loved one’s suicide can spare the survivors from asking themselves agonizing questions: “Could I have done more to prevent her suicide?” “Why wasn’t I enough to live for?” “Did I cause her suicide in any way?”
I understand, but I wish that more families would be open about suicide. I say this not only for the public at large, which would benefit from knowing the full truth about suicide. Not only for others who lost a loved one to suicide and who are further stigmatized when suicide is considered so shameful that it must not be named. Not only for those who have attempted or seriously considered suicide, and who are hurt by the notion that what they did is shameful.
I say this also for the family itself.
How Secrecy about Suicide Hurts the Family
Shame festers in dark places. The more the family hides, or denies, that their loved one died by suicide, the more the shame will grow inside of them. By keeping the suicide secret, they are buying into the idea that their loved one did something shameful, and that it brought shame to them and their family.
When shame goes unchallenged in its darkness, it wins. When shame – undeserved shame, I should say, and shame about suicide is most definitely undeserved – is exposed to light, it weakens. With openness, people find a community of others who have also lost a loved one to suicide, who can normalize the experience, who can offer hope and healing, and who can provide the antidote to shame – acceptance.
By hiding the suicide of their loved one, families are depriving themselves of support from others. They are depriving themselves of community with other survivors of suicide loss. They are depriving themselves of the comforting truth that they are not alone.
Help from Others who Lost a Loved One to Suicide
There is an entire movement of people who have lost a loved one to suicide and who, in turn, are dedicated to helping others who find themselves in the same tragic situation. This community is tragically large; in recent years, close to 50,000 people in the U.S. each year have died by suicide – and more than 700,000 a year throughout the world. So you can imagine how many millions of people have been touched by suicide.
Cities and other communities have support groups for suicide loss survivors. Online support groups exist as well.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention even has an outreach program for suicide loss survivors. A survivor makes personal visits to people who are newly bereaved to suicide, if they request the service. (Please see this site’s Resources page, particularly the section for survivors of suicide loss, for more information about support groups in person and online.)
Suicide, Secrecy, and Children
Finally, secrecy hurts children. I wrote about this previously in my post “What to Tell Children of a Loved One’s Suicide?”
Children ultimately need to know the truth. The truth, when delivered in an age-appropriate way, can help them to make sense of the world around them and to maintain trust in the adults in their world. They can also be spared the same internalized shame that afflicts so many others.
I once read a devastating account about Frank Campbell, PhD, executive director of a crisis intervention center in Louisiana. This story comes from the excellent book for suicide survivors, Touched by Suicide: Hope and Healing After Loss.
Dr. Campbell explained that a mother came to him seeking grief counseling for her 5-year-old son, whose father had fatally shot himself in the head. She insisted that Dr. Campbell not tell her son that his father had died by suicide, as she was “protecting” him from this truth.
When Dr. Campbell met privately with the boy, the boy confided that he knew his father killed himself because he’d overheard his aunt talking about it. “But please don’t tell my mommy,” the boy entreated. “She thinks my daddy died in a car accident.”
Children figure things out, whether now or later. If suicide is kept secret, one of many messages children might absorb is that suicide is so shameful that it has to be denied.
In Closing
For the sake of children, the community, other suicide loss survivors, and themselves, I wish more families would name suicide. Many families have compelling reasons not to reveal a suicide, and I respect that. At the same time, if more families are honest about suicide, the shame and stigma will erode, and one day there will be no reason to hide.
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© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
I was told at 50 years old that my mothers husband committed suicide. My brother was 5 and I was 3 months old. I decided not to be angry with my family, after the initial shock. I was told he died of a heart attack and never questioned anything. I knew my mother was always angry she was left with 2 kids. My brother finally told me as my mom was in her 80s and wanted me to know finally and had the chance to ask her questions. At that point, dementia was prominent and she just asked me not to be angry. I could not be angry with her at her age. However, I am very angry!! I know they tried to protect me but I am angry!
My dad died by suicide when I was 12 years old. My family choose not to talk about his death and to keep it a secret. The family myth was that he was killed by unknown persons even though there was no evidence for that. My mother divorced my dad two years prior to his death and remarried. In order to keep on going she didnt want my dad’s name even mentioned in her new house.
So I was left with this tremendous loss to deal with on my own at this young age. Every time I tried to talk about my dad I was met with hostility and anger as if I was committing a crime. It affected my life tremendously and the burden of caring this secret is still with me. I finally now at 55 joined a support group because It came to a point of my life that I could not go on and not address this.
I have a 16 year old son and I have not told him about how my dad died out of fear. He didn’t know my dad so I am not sure how to tell him. I don’t want to keep this secret anymore but at the same time I feel tremendous guilt and shame for breaking the family myth.
I’m sorry for you loss.
I agree with every factor that you have pointed out.
Your words are full of love. Thank you.