Just about every list of “suicide myths” mentions this one: “If a person is serious about killing themselves then there is nothing you can do.” But is it always a myth?
In important ways, yes, it is a myth. There are many things that loved ones of a suicidal individual can do to help – things like asking directly about suicidal thoughts, fully listening to the person, providing nonjudgmental emotional support, removing firearms and other lethal means from the home, giving a list of resources for help and support, and helping them to get professional help.
At the same time, especially when suicidal thoughts and behaviors persist for many months or years, loved ones may come to a point where they have to recognize their limitations. In some important ways, their hands are tied.
Recognizing My Own Limitations with a Suicidal Person
I came to the realization many years ago that I could not fully protect a close friend from suicide. She went through an extremely suicidal time for over a year. One night, she came to my house at midnight with her wrist bleeding. She had attempted suicide. She refused to let me call an ambulance, and it even took much persuading before she would let me take her to the ER. They gave her stitches and discharged her to my house (she refused hospitalization and did not meet criteria for involuntary commitment). The doctors advised me to remove all sharp implements and pills from her reach.
My friend stayed with me a couple days. When she went back home, I was left with this feeling of abject helplessness, this recognition that she might kill herself, and also this sudden acceptance that ultimately I could not control if she died by suicide.
Even when she was at my house, even with all my sharp implements and pills hidden in the locked trunk of my car, I could not have prevented her suicide. I had to use the bathroom sometimes. I had to sleep. She could have walked out the door at any time and found other sharp implements, pills or means to die by suicide.
Recognizing Your Limitations with a Suicidal Person
No matter how desperately you may wish otherwise, there is only so much you can do to stop another person from dying by suicide. You cannot monitor a family member or friend every second of the day. You cannot remove all means for suicide entirely from their world. Although you can talk with them about their suicidal thoughts, you cannot read their mind if they choose not to share them.
Even professionals are not fully able to prevent suicides. One study found that almost 1 in 5 people who died by suicide had seen a mental health professional within 30 days of their death. That means that in the United States, with almost 43,000 people dying by suicide in 2014, more than 8,000 of them had recently seen a mental health professional. A study in Finland found that almost 10% of suicides occurred within 24 hours, at most, of an appointment with a health professional.
Even inside locked psychiatric hospital units, even when patients are under constant supervision, some patients die by suicide. That is staggering. It is also illuminating. If mental health professionals and psychiatric hospitals cannot prevent all suicides, then how can friends and family be expected to do so?
Coping with Your Limitations when Someone You Know is Suicidal
When I realized my inherent limitations with my friend, I came up with a saying (I’m sure I’m not the first):
Do everything you can, but know you can’t do everything.
It is hard, terribly hard, to sit with the fundamental helplessness you may feel about your loved one who is in danger of suicide. At these times, it can be helpful to really recognize that many, maybe most people, who die by suicide have depression, post-traumatic stress or another mental illness, a genuine and sometimes severe illness, just like cancer or heart disease. Although the illness is treatable in most cases, and although most suicidal people go on to live many years without ever dying by suicide, the illness occasionally proves to be fatal.
Michael J. Gitlin, M.D., is a psychiatrist who lost a patient to suicide shortly after finishing his psychiatric residency. He wrote about his experience in a poignant journal article. As somebody who specialized in treating people with severe depression, he articulated the high probability of suicide among some of his patients. He came to accept that his work was like that of a doctor working with cancer patients: Not everyone could be saved.
What You Can Do to Help a Suicidal Person
I am not saying that loved ones and therapists should not do what they can to prevent a person’s suicide. Of course they should! There are many things you can do to help someone who’s in danger of ending their life:
First, listen. Really listen. Don’t immediately give advice, try to talk the person out of suicide, or try to make the person feel better. Instead, try to understand. Be curious, not judgmental. (For more info, see my post: How Would You Listen to a Person on the Roof?)
Talk directly about suicide. Ask questions about suicidal thoughts. (I talk about this more in my posts Uncovering Suicidal Thoughts and Let’s Really Talk about Suicide.)
After you’ve truly listened, heard, and tried to understand the person, help the person to problem-solve, identify other options besides suicide, etc. Also help them create a safety plan.
If you’re unsure what to say or do, call 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. A counselor there can give you advice. (You can also find other free places to get help by phone, text, or chat on this site’s Resources page.)
I’ve also written a book about what you can – and can’t – do to help someone with suicidal thoughts, and how to take care of yourself, too, during such an ordeal.
Limitations and Hope when Helping a Suicidal Person
Many lives have been saved by the actions of concerned others who did their best to help. In fact, my own friend, the one whose possible suicide I’d come to feel hopeless about, recovered.
Not everyone is so fortunate. And when a life is lost to suicide, that does not necessarily mean that anyone failed, that anyone made a grave mistake, or that anyone is to blame.
You do everything you can, with the understanding that “everything you can” cannot be everything.
EDITED: Feb. 5, 2015; Aug. 12, 2021, Sept. 2, 2022
*Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.
Thank you for posting this! It is an issue that no one wants to address. No one thinks about the health of the other person being burned out. thanks again!
For a few months I have been engaging with a suicidal friend of mine who is slowly withdrawing from all relationships in his life. He has told me multiple times that I care when no one else does and that I am all that has been keeping him going. I reached out to a couple of mutual friends who have noticed his withdrawal, but they are not taking him seriously, even though he has never behaved this way before. I was told by one that I was overreacting and that he was just being dramatic. I was also told that I need to let him go. And if he harms himself, its his business. It has been devastating to hear these people who claim to love him show such disregard for his situation. It is possibly even harder to know that he has chosen me to be most open and honest with and that the people I would turn to for my own support and help in showing him that we are all here for him, aren’t here for either of us and are judgmental of me for even holding on to him during this time. When his own argument is that he feels toxic to loved ones, how do I process the response from his loved ones that they can’t be bothered to show an interest. I knew that supporting him and providing a safe place for him was going to be the hardest thing i would ever do. And i knew that some people in his life would be incapable of helping to support him, But I was not expecting to be ridiculed for supporting him by our other friends! I don’t even know how to process the sense of abandonment. I haven’t come across any reading material yet that talks about this either which is even more alienating and makes me doubt the decision to offer help and support to him.
Wow. I’m no therapist but I have strong moral and ethical values. I have seen such behavior before. It seems to me the ones you’ve encountered rudeness from must have severe issues of there own. They also may not comprehend what your experiencing. I would lean more towards them having severe issues of their own. To avoid and degrade such a severe situation when one asked for help to support another has many red flags. I believe your feelings must not be doubted by you. Believe what you are and see. Be strong. My look into this tells me a simple problem that can be a simple solution to certain aspects of the whole ordeal. Those being that derogatory could by all means be the problem to begin with. I suggest ridding your and his environment of those people. Do unto others you wish done to you. That golden rule should help to stay strong and rid of those people. Find new people. It might even go so far as to relocate or move somewhere to have a fresh start. This is only what I see from the bit you’ve typed. This is not a professional plan of action. Just some advice on dealing with both the situations as one. New light can bring new life. Your friend needs to see councilor and probably meds. It’s not the dying it’s the pain they’re feeling
Thank you.
Just.
Thank you.
I am the twin brother of a suicidal person. We live together and at the moment I am caring for him and helping him to manage every aspect of his life. I feel like I am slowly coming to the realisation that I cannot do everything. I love him so dearly; he is the other half of my soul and my instinct is to take over and protect him from the stresses of his everyday life. He has attempted suicide so many times and each time the attempt gets more severe and frightening. 2 weeks ago he climbed a cliff face while the tide was coming in, drank abottle of vodka and cut his wrists, knowing that he would be cut off from help. Miraculously, he was found by the coastguard. This was his 7th attempt in 10 months. Every time, I ask myself what I could’ve done differently to prevent him from getting into such a crisis. He is seeing a good psychologist, has regular visits from the home treatment team and is taking a combination of two antidepressants. I care for him every day, pay his bills, buy cigarettes for him and try to help him face his alcohol addiction – which he denies. He has loving friends and family all around him but deep down I feel that it is only a matter of time before he dies. I live in fear every day and my own life has become unmanageable. My partner is on the verge of leaving me because I cannot step back from the caring role. Every night I lie awake listening for him getting up or moving around. I feel as if I don’t take a step back I will lose my own mental health – the question is how do I step back?
Hang in there. I can’t offer advice of any kind I just wanted to say you are not alone. I am a twin as well and he is half of my soul. Bad GI issues and he is just mentally giving up on trying to get better.
I completely understand what you’re going through and how you feel. I am also a twin/ female, and my twin brother attempted suicide just a few days ago. I resented him for doing that because I could only think of the aftermath of his actions. Who is going to pay for your health care now?, who is going to sit at home and watch over you?, I am the one who is going to be inconvenienced and I don’t want that burden. We were extremely close when we were younger and when we turned about 16 or 17, we started going different paths. I also had a baby and moved out at 18. Since then, our relationship had not been the same. My brother started to go through a dark path. He witnessed my father die from the use of drugs and alcohol, he’s been homeless, and he had his heart broken by a woman who literally meant everything to him. He suffered so much and we (myself and 2 other siblings) didnt take the time and efforts to make sure that he was okay. He was always a burden. We always had to take care of him. He couldn’t keep a job or a place to live on his own or even keep his room clean at our Moms house. He was anti-social so we all just left him alone… All of the time. The older I got, we started planning family events and I would invite him but he always declined, I was angry because the events were within walking distance at times. Like my Sons 5th grade graduation or awards days or band performances. Even when I hosted home events like game nights, he was always invited but he never came. I knew that he dabbled in drugs and alcohol and I figured that he just didnt care enough to clean himself up and support us from time to time. I was angry that he wasn’t an uncle to my son whose father was not a big prt of his life. I resented him because I felt that he never cared about me or my well being because he would always ask me for change to get a cigarette or a beer while taking away from my household and my child. So yes, he tried to commit suicide but I felt that he was being selfish because all he does is mooch and stay in his room all day and walk the streets at night and get high. Meanwhile I’m working hard, taking care of a household, car note and a child all on my own. I should be the one who should be thinking about suicide because I was always overwhelmed and stressed out and unhappy. During this recent event, I had the chance to speak to my twin brother, he was moved from the ICU to the psych ward. He had no idea that he was going. He thought that he was going to leave for home when the hospital staff moved him. My mom was there and she couldn’t go back with him. As she said, he was yelling and screaming that he loves her while being wheeled away. It broke her heart because she knew nothing but my brother told her to make sure that she tells my son that he is really proud of him and that he loves him. Later that night my brother called me and we spoke for 16 minutes. He spoke to my son and delivered his message to him himself. We talked and he had come to terms that he’s stuck there because he is mentally sick and he shared some deep and personal thoughts about me that he didnt think that he knew how to ever tell me. I cried so hard during that call because I have felt for the longest that he never really cared about me or my son. Not caring enough to clean up and be active in both of our lives but always have his hand out. He told me that he loves me and that I’m doing a great job as a single mother and sister and daughter and that he was proud of me. that was the most sincere thing that he’s ever said to me in our whole lives. I told him that I was crying because I was sad, I was happy and over emotional and crying was my natural instinct in that moment. I am NOT a crier, especially in public or around people. I’ve come to find out from my mom that my brother would always come and ask for spare change mostly to get his fix but to just talk to me, just to see me and check in. This was his way of doing so because I never visited him. I never called him. I hated when he came by because I knew what he wanted but now I am sad at myself for not giving him more time. I’d always just shut the door on him or just stick my hand out and go away. He needed help and I brushed him off. I’d never thought that he’d be suicidal. Maybe a little looney but never take his own life. And I never knew that he cared so much but he always noticed and he always cared. He didnt know how to express himself. Before our conversation, I had the thought that well, if he had died, he’ll no longer be a burden on us, mom especially. I figured that he didnt do anything for me anyway so whatever, he didn’t impact my lifestyle right now. But seeing him in the hospital bed helpless and reaching out for help and telling all of us that he’s so sorry, he never meant to hurt anyone and that he had so much love for all of us made me realize that I and my family as a whole has to do better. We are his only family and he loves us dearly but he doesnt know how to tell us, or show us. He thinks that I don’t like him and that he’s a pest and that was my feelings towards him for a long time. He just needed love and I didn’t know how to show it. We all are struggling with the L word towards each other and hugging and regularly calling and doing things together but this must change before it happens again. We’re all well into adulthood and capable of gathering and calling and saying I Love You without feeling awkward or making jokes about how we’re not “that” type of lubby dubby family. This incident is a true wake up call to be more involved and aware. I am so happy that he is still with us because as awful as it sounds, we needed this moment to make the necessary changes to become closer and to help my brother feel whole, feel worthy of living and to start the conversation and to be a family like we should be.
I suffer from bipolar depression, and severe anxiety… people around me say they care and love me, but I don’t doubt that they could get over it if I did take my life….
I am a survivor of suicide – one of the closest and most important people to me took his life 4 years ago, and it pains me every day to think that he might have felt the same way before he took his life. I will never get over him and neither will his family or friends. He might have been difficult while he was alive because of his severe depression and anxiety, but I’d give an arm and a leg to have him back. Everyone who knows him feels the same way.
This really sounds like my friend i’m desperately trying to help if this is how she also feels about me I don’t know what i’d do with myself. I’m a terrible terrible friend if that’s what she thinks of me. I don’t think I’d ever get over it, i’d probably go back to crying every day like I used to I don’t know why i’d even be alive any more myself if she were gone