“She is not really suicidal. She just wants attention.”
“He did not really attempt suicide. It was just a cry for help.”
“If she had really wanted to die, she’d be dead.”
These are often the reactions of friends and family to a suicidal person. Sometimes, it is true that a person who made what appeared to be a suicide attempt did not really want to die. In one large study, nearly half of people who reported that they’d attempted suicide endorsed the following survey item : “My attempt was a cry for help. I did not intend to die.”
The flip side of those study results is that more than half of people who reported a suicide attempt did intend to die. They endorsed one of two survey items: “I made a serious attempt to kill myself and it was only luck that I did not succeed” or “I tried to kill myself, but knew that the method was not fool-proof.” (On a side note, I take issue with the wording of these items, as no method is fool-proof. People have survived gunshot wounds to the head, falls from great heights, and more.)
When Suicidal Behavior Really Is a Cry for Help
Even among those who reported a suicide attempt but didn’t actually intend to die, there still are serious problems for which these people deserve compassion and concern – certainly not derision – from others.
First, people who hurt themselves in an apparent suicide attempt do so because of great pain, desperation, or other distressing emotions. If they’re crying out for help, there’s usually a good reason for them to do so – and a good reason for others to listen. After all, if you were drowning in a lake and people were standing on shore, what would you do? Most likely, you’d cry out for help.
Second, it’s normal for people to need and want attention. Everybody has a need for attention; what differs among people is how they go about getting it. Threatening or attempting suicide is a very unhealthy, not to mention dangerous, way to get attention or communicate distress to others. It’s a sign that something is wrong. Even if the person doesn’t really plan to die by suicide, they do need help. There are other, more healthy ways for people to let others know that they are suffering, angry, depressed, or otherwise struggling.
Third, even people who threaten or attempt suicide to get other people’s attention can still die. Mistakes happen. A study of teens found that half overestimated the amount of Tylenol needed to cause death. So, a teen could overdose on Tylenol in the hopes of showing others how much they need help, without realizing the overdose will be fatal. Who knows how many suicides every year are a cry for help gone awry?
Take All Suicidal (or Potentially Suicidal) Behavior Seriously
In short, suicidal behavior is a serious, potentially fatal problem. This applies to suicidal thoughts as well as attempts. If someone you know is saying they really want to die by suicide – or has already tried – take them very seriously. They deserve empathy, compassion, and assistance, whether from you or professionals (or both).
Which would be worse – to presume that somebody really is suicidal when they are not, or to presume that somebody is not suicidal when they really are? Although both situations are complicated, the second scenario can result in death. It’s better to err on the side of safety.
Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photo purchased from Fotolia.com.
Updated October 2024
reading this lets me know what to expect so i won’t let it happen when it happen
I attempted suicide over the weekend. The hospital released me back into the care of my partner. Since I came home Monday, nobody has given me a hug or tried talking to me! I feel very vulnerable and alone. The NHS crisis team is visiting. But it’s Support I want from family. I am really disappointed that my attempt did not succeed in death. This past week has shown me that I do not want to be here!
I really hope you eventually got the help you needed. Sometimes people respond to a loved one’s attempted suicide differently. I think often times they don’t even know where to begin, just as you may have felt lost and resorted to suicide as a solution. Please give people a chance to help you whether it be family or a therapist.
Lots of people respond with anger, or just plain don’t know how to respond and would rather not. This does not justify their behavior, but it may explain it. Source: am sitting next to my partner in the ER after a suicide attempt. Your family and friends are likely very scared. I hope they can come to understand. I’m sorry. No one deserves to feel alone. Try and find a therapist near you that accepts a sliding scale payment. They are often the sort that is understanding about this kind of stuff. I hope you come out okay.
My mum was a missing person for two nights she did attempt suicide, was a cry for help with tinnitus, came back for family. No help from NHS. I tried to help begining of June but doctor was too slow on her m.h. She followed what my brother did, its a shame. I loved her so much. She ended up drowning herself. Very tragic ended.
Jen,
I am so sorry for your losses. To lose a brother OR a mother to suicide is devastating. I’m sorry that suicide took both from you.
It’s sad that she wasn’t able to get the help she needed. Thank you for sharing your experience. It shows the need to take all suicidal behavior seriously. Even if a suicide attempt is a “cry for help,” then the person should be helped!
There are no false allusions things will improve. I am kind hearted, honest and hard working but I see no way out. I fought for 46 years but nothing, nothing ever got better. I was abused as a kid daily by a sister who was only two years older than me. Not like it was her fault, she raised me and there were no parents around. I used to call my mom and beg for help behind closed doors and she would hang up. I was made a sexual buffet at two years old who my sister charged for the pleasure…Prob pennies…Once again, I do not blame her. I was abused by one of my mom’s friends husbands and I told her. She said I was mistaken. I am intelligent and attractive but cannot do anything correctly. I choose abusive situations most likely because that is what I am used to. I have my own child and seeing a family that seems normal now around her sends me into a panic. I have nothing and no one other than my kid but she has zero respect for me too. I am weak and a failure. I love her and she has kept me alive but I can see I am a failure….Cannot support her, provide a regular home. Nobody has ever apologized it acknowledged anything at all and things just get worse. I feel as though I have always just been a punching bag or just someone to ignore and I have no idea how to cope with the pain that doesn’t stop. I try to convince myself I should live but my daughter would grow up more confident and better adjusted without me. I am a joke I feel others sincerely hope disappears. Medicine doesn’t work and life is getting harder and I am getting older. I find it increasingly difficult to justify my life. It has no worth…Even my child at ten has little respect for a cry baby like me. I see no hope.
Not always. Suicide is a way out for me when I’ve finished trying everything else. It’s a potential light at the end of a very long and very dark tunnel. For me it is a very rational solution and one I have considered in great depth for over 20 years. I would not stop someone with terminal cancer from choosing a controlled death rather than continuous suffering and I strongly believe certain other situations warrant the same approach. There are many health issues that are currently incurable in certain individuals and they should be allowed to choose death over a life of suffering.
I don’t follow any particular religion, but I suppose I will either be reincarnated and get to reset everything and hopefully get a better deck of cards next time, or it will just be over and I can rest finally. If a god exists, which I highly doubt, then he/she/it created me this way and therefore cannot punish me for their own screw up. So threats of hell do not concern me. I certainly do not believe in a cruel and evil god that enjoys making people suffer for entertainment. I rather believe that I am just a mistake of nature with damaged genetics. It is what it is. We all die eventually anyway. Most people get to live either most or some of their life in happiness before they die and I can see why they would value life and assume everyone else should be kept alive as long as possible. However sometimes happiness isn’t possible due to chemical defects or psychological disorders or some other reason and the nicest thing anyone can do is let that individual end the pain early. If I knew an animal was in constant suffering, they were exhausted and there was currently no treatment that improved things, then I would consider it compassionate to end their misery. I hope when I decide to leave then I will be treated with at LEAST as much compassion as I would treat an animal. I see life as a big party where most people are having fun and therefore assume everyone else must be and want them to stay, but others aren’t enjoying it and are tired at the end of the night and want to leave. They should be allowed to.
I have been suicidal since childhood (I am in my 30s now) and can’t remember being happy for more than a few minutes in my entire life. I believe certain disorders run in my family as my aunt also committed suicide and other individuals have been diagnosed with bipolar, ADHD, high functioning autism, severe depression and other issues. Fortunately the ones who are formally diagnosed are much younger and have had support early on, so I have hope for them. Although if medication/therapy does not fix things, then I would not blame them for choosing suicide. My aunt did not have a good life and in hindsight it would have been much kinder to let her go. But certain people forced her into medical interventions for years that made her suffering far worse. She attempted suicide previously and was not happy that doctors resuscitated her. As soon as she had the freedom to try again, she did. Suicide certainly was not a cry for help in her mind.
I have been in and out of therapy since highschool and put on various medications for different things. None have worked and most made me very sick with side effects. I am exhausted and unable to support myself financially as I cannot hold down a job longer than a few months (and struggle to get one at all). I do not have friends and cannot understand most social situations, so I am isolated from the rest of society. I cannot multitask, have a terrible short term memory and forget instructions. I also can’t drive, so many things are literally out of reach. If my routine changes or I am focused on something, then I forget basic things like washing, eating and sleeping. I can do things that most people find difficult, but can’t manage the ‘easy’ stuff. My life is a complete mess. I am mostly reliant on my parents to remind me to get dressed and pay bills and basic things like that, but they are getting older now and cannot afford to take care of me. My family have their own problems, so I do not have any other support network. The few relationships I’ve had have ended badly as I am too difficult to live with and cannot understand the way other people think. I also do not like sex, so offering sex to a partner in return for basically being my PA would not work in the long run. I tried to live by myself and quickly got ill. I have not been diagnosed with any specific disability, so I do not get government help either (and would not be happy receiving it anyway as I am physically healthy, my IQ is very high and I should be able to look after myself). My brain simply does not work correctly and I am unable to participate in normal life as a result. I am not willing to spend another 30+ years existing like this or being used as a guinea-pig by medical professionals. It is hell. I have considered that brain damage would be a slightly better option than suicide, as I would still technically exist (so my family would not be as upset) but I wouldn’t be aware of living so I would no longer suffer. I also considered joining the military, as constant routine and direction with food and accomodation all managed for me sounded ideal and potentially lethal situations would not bother me. However I repeatedly failed the physical tests so this was not possible.
The only reason I have not yet killed myself is the guilt I would feel at my father losing both his sister and daughter. I will try to stay alive long enough to outlive him (and hopefully my mother) and then I will end my life. The thought does not upset me. It would be a huge relief to not have to do this any more and I think many individuals feel the same way. People assume those who commit suicide must be really upset and hurting at that moment and the decision must therefore be a hysterical and panicked one, but the day I am free to leave I am sure I will be very calm and happy finally. I occasionally have dreams that involve death and they are always positive. I am glad there are places in the world that offer assisted suicide that will allow me to carry this out in a ‘safe’ and controlled way, as the only thing that concerns me is the thought of something not working and ending up in additional physical pain on top of everything else. I do not want someone trying to talk me out of suicide and it would not be a ‘cry for help’. I have had multiple doctors, therapists and others try to fix me over the years and their ‘help’ has failed. Suicide would be a definite solution.
Sounds like you are going through a hard patch, I’d like to offer advise, but I’m in the same place. It’s only personal oaths and religion that is stopping me.There has to be something that keeps you keeping on, not a great solution but it’s all I’ve got
This comment makes total sense to me. I also believe there are rational arguments for such a choice. With regard to not wanting to hurt those who are left behind, if that were the main reason I remained alive, then at that point I would have to conclude that I am living my life for the benefit of others. It was and is that line of thinking that got me to the negative place I’m at right now, along with other experiences. Much of my life experience is based upon fear. Thus, again, if I refuse to commit suicide because I’m afraid of what awaits me, I’m STILL living a life of fear, which, again, is one of the main reasons I’m in such a negative place right now.
So, in regard to the writer’s comment, I agree that there are very rational reasons for choosing a solution of suicide, as rational as those reasons for NOT choosing such a solution. In my opinion, as I have stated, the negative effects of either proposing such a choice or denying such a choice can be very much the same.
“Sounds like you are going through a hard patch”
Nope, a ‘patch’ suggests a temporary, short term situation. This has been the vast majority of my life. A 30+ year patch. When people tell you over and over and over for years ‘don’t worry’, ‘it will get better’, ‘just keep going’, etc and nothing changes (or it just gets worse), then eventually you run out of patience. In fact, hearing that yet again makes it even worse as basically people are telling you ‘I have no solution, I can’t think of any way to resolve your issues, but I’ll say something to make myself feel better’. Words are utterly useless. Words do nothing. They are cheap and easy to throw out. You don’t tell a homeless person ‘it’s ok, hang in there’. You give them money or a home. You don’t tell a person with cancer ‘it’s ok, hang in there’. You either offer practical medical treatment or at least pain medication. You don’t tell a person who is injured in a car accident ‘it’s ok, hang in there’. You get them to a hospital ASAP. But people think it’s perfectly fine to tell someone who’s suicidal and out of options ‘it’s ok, hang in there’. Why? It’s clearly not ok and they clearly can’t hang in there. Society should be more compassionate and not guilt-trip those who have had enough of constant suffering. I find it really sick and twisted how humans treat eachother. I have to go all the way to Switzerland just to ensure I have a humane and peaceful death and no one else is threatened with jail time for helping me. That’s seriously messed up. Imagine if we had to travel all the way to across the world to give our pet dog/cat a calm and pain-free death!
Yes, there is something that keeps me going – guilt at making my parents suffer. I therefore plan to stay around until they are gone. I calculate I have about 15-20 years left at absolute worst (likely much less, thankfully). I don’t think staying around purely for the benefit of others is such a bad thing. Other people stay alive to have fun or to spend time with family or whatever other reason. My reason is to outlive my parents to avoid causing them additional pain.
I totally get this. I have a few mental health issues and have been suicidal numerous times. The only reason I am still here is because of others, especially parents