Teenagers often tell me that they do not like to talk with their parents about their suicidal thoughts. Some teens do not tell their parents at all.
There are many reasons why teens lock parents out. The biggest reason that teens give me for not talking to their parents about their suicidal thoughts is a conviction that their parents will “freak out.”
While extreme fear, sadness, and concern (what teens might call “freaking out”) are natural responses for parents who learn that their child wants to end their life, teens need to know that they are safe, even welcome, to share their innermost thoughts about this most important topic.
Below are 10 more reasons why teens may not turn to their parents for help at a time when they most need help from their parents. The list aplies to parents of a teen who thinks of suicide but is not in immediate danger of acting on their thoughts. If a teen is in immediate or extreme danger, they need to be taken to an emergency room for safety and help.
Also, keep in mind that when a teen tells a parent about suicidal thoughts, almost everyone does something, perhaps many things, on this list. Most of these responses are instinctual and understandable. Yet they also are not so helpful for a teen who desperately needs to be listened to, understood, and in many cases taken for help afterward:
- Some parents offer reassurance or encouragement without first listening to what their child has to say. The parents may immediately say something along the lines of, “You don’t have any reason to think about suicide.” Teens who hear this often feel even more alone and misunderstood.
- Some parents become so overwhelmed with sadness and fear that the child ends up consoling them, without ever feeling heard.
- Some parents get angry with their child for thinking of (or attempting) suicide. “How could you do this to me?” they might ask.
- Some parents take personally their child’s suicidal thoughts: “If you really loved me, you would never think of suicide.”
- Some parents do not recognize that suicidal thoughts and behaviors frequently are a symptom of a mental illness like depression. These parents may blame their child, rather than the illness, for the suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
- Some parents do not take seriously their teen’s crisis. They may refuse to take their child for counseling or, if the situation is especially dire, to a hospital. Or they may choose to keep loaded firearms in the house. These inactions can make the teen feel uncared for or unimportant.
- On the other end of the spectrum, some parents overreact. They immediately rush their child to a hospital for evaluation without first listening to their child about their pain and plans.
- Some parents dismiss their child’s statements or actions as manipulative. “You just want attention,” they might say. (Even when suicidal statements or attempts are, in fact, a cry for help, that shows the person does need help! What a terribly dangerous way to seek help from others.)
- Some parents become impatient. They may ask the teen repeatedly, multiple times a day, if the teen is still thinking of suicide. This may cause the teen to say “no, no, I’m not” to stop being asked.
- Some parents become overprotective. After their teen discloses suicidal thoughts, the parents do not want to let their child out of their sight. If the teen is especially unsafe, this might be appropriate (although if they are that unsafe, a hospital may be even safer).
What Should Parents Do if Their Child Discloses Suicidal Thoughts?
First and foremost, it is important to listen. Really listen.
It is a natural response to want to talk your teen out of suicide, to react with fear and anguish, to do anything to keep your child safe. And there is a time and place for all of those. But what teens need first is nonjudgmental listening and exploration of their pain.
With that in mind, for advice on what parents can say and do to help if their child is thinking of suicide, see my post “If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide,” in particular the section on listening and exploration.
You may also find useful the posts, 10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person and 10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person.
EDITED: 4/24/2016
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photo purchased from Fotolia.com
I’m 17 and a senior in high school. I have suicidal thoughts everyday and I fake being happy so people don’t bother me most of the time. Recently I was exhausted of how I felt so I told a teacher I wanted to kill myself and she pushed my comment away and I told her no report me. I got reported and i got no support from anyone. Everyone made me feel like shit! My mom the school counselor my outside counselor all told me I was an attention seeker. I haven’t been able to stop crying since without my mom seeing cause it hurts a lot. My mom blames my suicidal thoughts on me being trans which isn’t true me being trans makes me feel more happy but since she doesn’t respect me it just makes me feel more down. And I jammed my finger the same day this happened and she doesn’t wanna get it looked at and I have been in so much pain I kinda just hope it’s just a bruised bone or something. I just wish people would stop being an asshole sometimes. I get it I’m suicidal a lot but don’t tell me I’m an attention seeker it hurts. I have a friend that waves her cuts around and tells people to harm themselves and that it’s fun. That’s more of an attention seeker. I don’t think it’s funny to wave your cuts around and promote it everywhere in school. Just saying. I have my own opinions and just think people should’ve thought about it before doing it.
my parents don’t actually care about suicide and mental health or anything related to it. they probably care about my cousin but when i said i have depression or stress, they always said i’m too young to have that or i dont actually have them. they kept denying things. now i have big exam that can change my life and i don’t even have any motivation to study when the exam is in 40 days. they keep pushing me and accused me even if it’s for my own good but its stressing me out even more. i recently cut myself again after being almost 2 years of not doing it…
Dear Loon,
I feel for you, and I’m sad that your parents’ attitude to mental health problems in young people still persists today. It was like that for me in the 1990s. My school talked about mental health, but it seemed as though ‘real’ mental health problems were something that only happened to other people, and it didn’t occur to me that my own depression and friendlessness and hopelessness and self-harming were severe enough to qualify. I assumed that the way I felt was just a normal part of growing up, and so I made jokes about it, so nobody realised how seriously messed-up I was.
So, you are wiser than I was, because you know that you have a problem, and you’re trying to explain it to your parents. But finding anyone who will actually listen, and finding a way of dealing with your problems, is much harder. Do you have anyone you can talk to, whether a professional, a helpline, or friends or grandparents or anyone who cares about you? You can find companionship in surprising places – for example, last night I was discussing self-harming with a fellow player in our Dungeons & Dragons group, after the Dungeon Master had inadvertently said something triggering.
There are several reasons why it’s hard to get parents to listen. For one thing, the time when their children are teenagers is usually when parents are working hardest, especially if they need to earn money to support their children financially through school and university (and perhaps they are also caring for, or paying for the care of, elderly relatives), and so they can forget that their children also need emotional support. But also, because most parents are trying to do what they think is best for their children, they want to believe that their children are happy, confident, well-adjusted people. My mother often says now (when I’m 40 and she’s nearly 70) that she wishes she had known what was going through my head when I was a teenager, but at the time, as long as I was getting reasonable grades and wasn’t shoplifting or truanting or taking drugs, my parents assumed I was fine.
Very well done for not self-harming for nearly two years! You’ve had a relapse, but that doesn’t mean it has to be part of your regular behaviour. The important thing is that you know that, at least some of the time, you can resist the temptation to hurt yourself. And the more you practise being kind to yourself, the more it becomes a habit.
Do you have any alternative coping mechanisms that are healthier than hurting yourself? Everyone is different, so you may need to experiment a bit. A counsellor once suggested to me that I could buy up cheap, cracked old crockery from charity shops (thrift stores) to smash when I felt angry. But breaking things doesn’t feel cathartic for me, because it just makes me feel guilty. Instead, being gentle makes me feel better. So if I feel like kicking walls and iron railings (which probably wouldn’t damage the walls, but would hurt my foot), instead I pretend that walls have feelings, and so I pat and stroke them reassuringly instead. I know this is weird, but it works for me. So, find something that works for you.
You are worried that you don’t have any motivation to study for your upcoming exam. Is your lack of motivation because you feel stressed about the exam and your parents’ reaction if you don’t get a good enough grade, or because you aren’t actually interested in the subject or the career path it prepares you for? I don’t know how old you are, or how soon you will be leaving home and deciding for yourself what to do with your adult life, but your main job as a teenager, much more important than passing exams, is to work out what sort of person you want to grow into, and what sort of life you want to have. After all, your parents won’t be with you for the rest of your life, but you will be with yourself.
I don’t know what country you live in or what the education system is like, but in my experience, exams aren’t nearly as much of a once-in-a-lifetime, make-or-break opportunity as grown-ups tell teenagers they are. If you fail this exam, maybe you’ll have the opportunity to retake it while you’re at school, or maybe you can study for qualifications later, as an adult. In the 1960s, my father failed the eleven-plus (the exam that British schoolchildren took in those days to determine what sort of school they would go to from the age of eleven), and he left school at fifteen without any qualifications, and left school shortly afterwards. In the years that followed, he had two successful careers, in the navy and in manufacturing, along with a few other stop-gap jobs, and studied for O-levels (the exams that teenagers usually took at sixteen) in his spare time. He finally went to university in his forties, graduated with a first-class honours degree, and had a third career as a computer programmer. I don’t know what his life would have been like if he’d gone to grammar school at eleven and to university at eighteen, but I suspect that starting work and being given real responsibilities by people who saw him as a young man and not just some annoying kid, helped him to learn the confidence he needed and to find out what he was good at.
Live your own life, find your own path, and (if you believe in God) be the person God is calling you to be, not the one your parents expect you to be. Wishing you all the best,
Temple Cloud
yes
my parents both put so much pressure on me and it makes me want to snap. they have put me in three sports at once. in honors classes, and make me go to every school event, it makes me exhausted and start failing classes and they yell at me and call me ungrateful and say i have no respect for them. im tired of it though i want help but every one hates me my family,my school mates, everyone. i just dont know what to do
Unknown,
Are you in the U.S.? If so and you’re in the U.S., please call the National Lifeline at 988 or use the text line by texting help to 741741. Someone there can help you. You don’t need to be alone with this!! I also recommend showing your parents your comment posted here, or telling them some other way how you’re feeling, though I realize that might feel impossible to you at the moment. I encourage you to take the chance, but someone at the hotline or text line can help support you with that.
If you’re not in the U.S., I list other places to get free help at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I am 15 and a sophomore in high school. My mom saw cuts on my arm back in March and asked where they came from. At first I lied because I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me. After a few mintues I told her I felt worthless so Ive been cutting myself. She told me im not worthless and that everyone feels that way. She made me promise not to cut myself again and I have not ever since. Then after a few days she told me she thought I was seeking attention. And I wasn’t but she would not believe me. It is now November and Im becoming more suicidal everyday. I think about suicide at least once every single day. My mood changes from being happy to being depressed in just a few seconds. Im scared to tell her im suicidal because I know she won’t believe me and she won’t understand. I feel alone and neglected.
Dear Anonymous,
I’m sorry I didn’t see your comment when it came up, nearly a month ago now. I hope you’re okay, managing not to harm yourself physically, but also, as far as possible, trying not to hurt yourself emotionally when you can avoid it.
I started self-harming when I was younger than you, and only stopped about six years ago. Like you, and like most self-harmers, I wasn’t seeking attention, and (at least initially, when I was young) only did it in private so as not to worry my parents.
Your mother can see that you’re not worthless, so I suppose it’s hard for her to remember that you feel that way, and that her telling you once that you’re not worthless isn’t enough to stop you feeling like that. Most parents love their children, unless there is something badly wrong with the parents, so it’s hard for them to understand that their children don’t love themselves as much as their parents love them. Maybe you need to find a way to tell yourself why you have worth, in ways that you will find convincing, and repeat it to yourself until you believe it? I’m forty, and I’m still working on that!