Teenagers often tell me that they do not like to talk with their parents about their suicidal thoughts. Some teens do not tell their parents at all.
There are many reasons why teens lock parents out. The biggest reason that teens give me for not talking to their parents about their suicidal thoughts is a conviction that their parents will “freak out.”
While extreme fear, sadness, and concern (what teens might call “freaking out”) are natural responses for parents who learn that their child wants to end their life, teens need to know that they are safe, even welcome, to share their innermost thoughts about this most important topic.
Below are 10 more reasons why teens may not turn to their parents for help at a time when they most need help from their parents. The list aplies to parents of a teen who thinks of suicide but is not in immediate danger of acting on their thoughts. If a teen is in immediate or extreme danger, they need to be taken to an emergency room for safety and help.
Also, keep in mind that when a teen tells a parent about suicidal thoughts, almost everyone does something, perhaps many things, on this list. Most of these responses are instinctual and understandable. Yet they also are not so helpful for a teen who desperately needs to be listened to, understood, and in many cases taken for help afterward:
- Some parents offer reassurance or encouragement without first listening to what their child has to say. The parents may immediately say something along the lines of, “You don’t have any reason to think about suicide.” Teens who hear this often feel even more alone and misunderstood.
- Some parents become so overwhelmed with sadness and fear that the child ends up consoling them, without ever feeling heard.
- Some parents get angry with their child for thinking of (or attempting) suicide. “How could you do this to me?” they might ask.
- Some parents take personally their child’s suicidal thoughts: “If you really loved me, you would never think of suicide.”
- Some parents do not recognize that suicidal thoughts and behaviors frequently are a symptom of a mental illness like depression. These parents may blame their child, rather than the illness, for the suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
- Some parents do not take seriously their teen’s crisis. They may refuse to take their child for counseling or, if the situation is especially dire, to a hospital. Or they may choose to keep loaded firearms in the house. These inactions can make the teen feel uncared for or unimportant.
- On the other end of the spectrum, some parents overreact. They immediately rush their child to a hospital for evaluation without first listening to their child about their pain and plans.
- Some parents dismiss their child’s statements or actions as manipulative. “You just want attention,” they might say. (Even when suicidal statements or attempts are, in fact, a cry for help, that shows the person does need help! What a terribly dangerous way to seek help from others.)
- Some parents become impatient. They may ask the teen repeatedly, multiple times a day, if the teen is still thinking of suicide. This may cause the teen to say “no, no, I’m not” to stop being asked.
- Some parents become overprotective. After their teen discloses suicidal thoughts, the parents do not want to let their child out of their sight. If the teen is especially unsafe, this might be appropriate (although if they are that unsafe, a hospital may be even safer).
What Should Parents Do if Their Child Discloses Suicidal Thoughts?
First and foremost, it is important to listen. Really listen.
It is a natural response to want to talk your teen out of suicide, to react with fear and anguish, to do anything to keep your child safe. And there is a time and place for all of those. But what teens need first is nonjudgmental listening and exploration of their pain.
With that in mind, for advice on what parents can say and do to help if their child is thinking of suicide, see my post “If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide,” in particular the section on listening and exploration.
You may also find useful the posts, 10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person and 10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person.
EDITED: 4/24/2016
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photo purchased from Fotolia.com
I told my mum and she laughed and said don’t make it messy. Now when we argue she tells me to go kill myself and do everyone a favour.
that is horrible, please don’t listen to her. I know you probably want to really bad but please keep on. i cant really tell you what you have to live for because I don’t really know what I have to live for. to be honest I also want to die, and I’m afraid to tell my mom about it. just please live on, and I hope one day you can find something that will make you want to keep existing, or get some kind of help so you can feel better.
Planning on telling my mom tonight, feeling nervous af, but I’ve talked to her about stuff similar so I feel like it might be okay. Hope I get some sort of help because it got worse this afternoon when I looked through my grades, I was on a trip to Virginia for my Uncle’s funeral (So I couldn’t do any schoolwork since I was too busy.) I want to try doing all the missing assignments but it is way too overwhelming. Anyway thanks for reading this shitty comment lol.
I honestly can’t tell them. They freak out and call me selfish. which makes it worse. I’m so close….
When I was being bullied and I had no friends, I told my family that I hated my life, they called me ungrateful and that I have an amazing life that other people would want to have. This was years ago, this is the reason I am scared of telling them that I feel suicidal and that I’m scared that I might commit suicide. I am 15, I don’t know what to do.
My mother is very kind and understanding, so I’m not worried about getting help. But I am the third child out of seven, so I always worry about being more of a burden than the rest of my siblings. I have a chronic illness, so I already cause her and my dad a lot of stress. I have eight doctor appointments per year for my chronic illness and its complications, plus normal appointments. When I brought up counseling for anxiety and depression a few months ago, she asked if I wanted another doctor’s appointment. I know if I need it she’ll get me counseling, but I don’t want to need more time for my medical needs. When I realized I was passively suicidal and was developing an eating disorder, I decided I would ask again for counseling. I had my first appointment set for the week after quarantine officially started, but then I had her cancel it because I didn’t want my first appointment to be over the phone. Now I need to ask for counseling again, but I’m scared she’ll get annoyed about having to set up another appointment. Two weeks ago my older brother had major surgery and will be in recovery a few months. I don’t want to burden her any more than I already am, but I don’t know what else I can do. My mental state keeps deteriorating, and I keep blaming myself for it. When I let my depression get worse at the beginning of this school year, I told myself I couldn’t do anything that would cause permanent physical damage, so no cutting, no eating disorder, and no suicide attempts. Now I’m close to breaking all of those restrictions, and I’m scared.
Nervous,
I’m grateful you reached out. I don’t know you or your mother, but I’d say the chances are high that she’d rather get you help now for your suffering than find out after your problems cause you to harm yourself in some way. You are not a burden, and your emotional pain is not your fault. Please let her know what you need. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text 741741 to talk/text with someone about what you’re going through. Thanks for sharing here!