Teenagers often tell me that they do not like to talk with their parents about their suicidal thoughts. Some teens do not tell their parents at all.
There are many reasons why teens lock parents out. The biggest reason that teens give me for not talking to their parents about their suicidal thoughts is a conviction that their parents will “freak out.”
While extreme fear, sadness, and concern (what teens might call “freaking out”) are natural responses for parents who learn that their child wants to end their life, teens need to know that they are safe, even welcome, to share their innermost thoughts about this most important topic.
Below are 10 more reasons why teens may not turn to their parents for help at a time when they most need help from their parents. The list aplies to parents of a teen who thinks of suicide but is not in immediate danger of acting on their thoughts. If a teen is in immediate or extreme danger, they need to be taken to an emergency room for safety and help.
Also, keep in mind that when a teen tells a parent about suicidal thoughts, almost everyone does something, perhaps many things, on this list. Most of these responses are instinctual and understandable. Yet they also are not so helpful for a teen who desperately needs to be listened to, understood, and in many cases taken for help afterward:
- Some parents offer reassurance or encouragement without first listening to what their child has to say. The parents may immediately say something along the lines of, “You don’t have any reason to think about suicide.” Teens who hear this often feel even more alone and misunderstood.
- Some parents become so overwhelmed with sadness and fear that the child ends up consoling them, without ever feeling heard.
- Some parents get angry with their child for thinking of (or attempting) suicide. “How could you do this to me?” they might ask.
- Some parents take personally their child’s suicidal thoughts: “If you really loved me, you would never think of suicide.”
- Some parents do not recognize that suicidal thoughts and behaviors frequently are a symptom of a mental illness like depression. These parents may blame their child, rather than the illness, for the suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
- Some parents do not take seriously their teen’s crisis. They may refuse to take their child for counseling or, if the situation is especially dire, to a hospital. Or they may choose to keep loaded firearms in the house. These inactions can make the teen feel uncared for or unimportant.
- On the other end of the spectrum, some parents overreact. They immediately rush their child to a hospital for evaluation without first listening to their child about their pain and plans.
- Some parents dismiss their child’s statements or actions as manipulative. “You just want attention,” they might say. (Even when suicidal statements or attempts are, in fact, a cry for help, that shows the person does need help! What a terribly dangerous way to seek help from others.)
- Some parents become impatient. They may ask the teen repeatedly, multiple times a day, if the teen is still thinking of suicide. This may cause the teen to say “no, no, I’m not” to stop being asked.
- Some parents become overprotective. After their teen discloses suicidal thoughts, the parents do not want to let their child out of their sight. If the teen is especially unsafe, this might be appropriate (although if they are that unsafe, a hospital may be even safer).
What Should Parents Do if Their Child Discloses Suicidal Thoughts?
First and foremost, it is important to listen. Really listen.
It is a natural response to want to talk your teen out of suicide, to react with fear and anguish, to do anything to keep your child safe. And there is a time and place for all of those. But what teens need first is nonjudgmental listening and exploration of their pain.
With that in mind, for advice on what parents can say and do to help if their child is thinking of suicide, see my post “If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide,” in particular the section on listening and exploration.
You may also find useful the posts, 10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person and 10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person.
EDITED: 4/24/2016
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photo purchased from Fotolia.com
I used to be bullied a lot in grade school. I dont know if I was oblivious or was just super strong mentally but I didnt let it bother me much. I think I got through it because of my family. But when I got to high school, things became different. I was actually popular and started to put my friends over my family. I think that really hurt my realtionship with my family. Now Im a sophomore, about to be a junior and it seems that my friends would rather hang out without me. And I know that people here are going through way more than I am but it hurts. I let down my guard because I really thought they cared about me but they dont. And at home its even worse. My parents think my sadness is just laziness. I dont feel like getting out of bed anymore. They take all the things that make me happy like my phone and they dont give it back for days. And sometimes I think that thats why my friends dont like me as much. Recently, Ive walked out of the house and slept outside my grandmas house a couple blocks away. And instead of asking me about whats going on, my parents just threaten to send me away or delete everything on my phone. And my phone is very important. Its how I see if my friends are hanging without me. When I dont have my phone, I start thinking about them probably having fun without me. If youve made it this far, Im sorry about the mess. Theres just so much going on in my life that its kinda messy. One of my friends always makes fun of me and how Im gonna be a virgin the rest of my life and that Im never gonna get a girlfriend and he always tells me hes joking when were talking in private but it really does hurt me becasue while everyone is going on dates and stuff like that, Im stuck at home wondering why no one likes me. I recently tried to shoot my shot with this one girl and she rejected me, saying that we were too good of friends and that she wasnt looking for a relationship right now. But she goes and tries to get with another guy the next week. One last thing. Football season is coming up and Im huge for my size, like theres only two other linemen my size in my town and many people tell me I have potential but my same friend tells me Im shit and now Im starting to believe it and Im scared for this upcoming season.
I get that. Its like your only source of reassurance comes from your friends, but what happens when you don’t have that either? It almost seems as if your friends are kind of toxic, whether it be joking or not it’s weird. My friend used to do that to me and I talked to her about it, why she said what she did. It was basically just jealousy and boredom. As a rising junior myself, I get it. There are SO many things going on right now. I find it really hard to deal with everything but I’ve found comfort in knowing I’m not alone. Just so you know, sadness is never laziness. When that happens its often because you’re tired, not physically but mentally. My parents do the same thing, when I feel down its “victim” mentality or whatever. I thinks its struggling with accepting ourselves, whatever that may mean to you. I hope you realize you’re more than your friends perceptions but until then stay strong, you seem like a great guy! Also, don’t worry about the gf thing, you cant force/rush these things.
I’m so sad most of the time. I’m homeschooled and have no friends. I’m constantly surrounded by my family and we barely talk. I’m the the type of person who gets into tons of arguments with my parents, not because I want to but because I feel like I need to. We argue about petty stuff most of the time, but whenever it’s important and its something I feel strongly about they dismiss my feelings. My sister is a huge crybaby. She grew up crying for basically everything and anything. My parents would laugh at her and say she was overreacting and I would laugh along because I was younger and didn’t know any better. Regardless of whether she was overreacting or not, we shouldn’t have dismissed her feelings. I don’t cry a lot. My parents constantly tell how PROUD they are that I’m not a crybaby. So I don’t cry. I don’t want to be dismissed or ridiculed like my sister, so I don’t. But there are times when I do cry and I wanted nothing more then for someone to tell me ‘Are you okay?’ ‘What’s the matter?’, instead of looked upon uncomfortable eyes that judge me. Saying stuff like ‘Are you gonna stop soon?’ Or ‘Stop playing the victim.’. That’s my problem. I bottle my emotions to much that when they erupt, my parents don’t know what to do. They say tons of stuff to me in the heat of the moment at times that even though I know they don’t mean it, I listen to their words and play it on loop in my head. I supposedly constantly cause arguements and I am always playing the victim. I don’t really know If I’m playing the victim, but I just want someone to hear. Some to WANT to hear me. I told my mom that I wanted to commit suicide about a year ago and she asked me the reasons. I didn’t have none, I just felt like it. She looked at me like I was an idiot and told me I would get over it and that it was just a phase. I ask my parents and sister a lot when we fight why they’re angry, or why are they sad(in my sisters case) and they don’t know what to and say ‘there you go playing the victim again because you want to make yourself feel better.’. I think I played the ‘Who cried wolf’s a bit too much because I constantly say I’m sad and nobody listens. I hope I learn to love myself someday for who I am and not let my thoughts get the better of me. I know I’m loved. But I wanna FEEL loved.
my parents are number 8….
same they say its just for attention and im looking for a response
I really want to kill myself because my grandparents are treating me wrong and they don’t believe anything I tell them
Please don’t. Give yourself some time to think, please. You’re too important for us all to lose.
When i was a kid my stepdad would beat me and cuss at my mom. i have also been cheated on by multiple girls. i have tried to commit suicide. I also think about suicide daily and i feel like i am a complete screw up. i have felt this way for a while know. i have lost the last two jobs i have had and i also quit going to college because i am too stupid to understand what they where trying to teach me. i have been trying to get back on my feet but i am struggling and i dont know what to do. like i said i feel like commiting sucide everyday. even on my good day. i still sometime think about killing myself. the next time i try i am going to use a gun. Also sometimes i lose my shit and want to hurt others and myself.
please don’t hurt yourself. try reaching out to somebody close to you
I also feel that way I was never beat and I want to kill my self because what’s the point of me staying in the same life and nobody believes me.
OMG same and everyone keeps telling me “you cant do it” or “things will get better” but i feel like i have no purpose or as if i wasnt really meant to be alive. And i cant always have suicide on my mind.